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Deconstructing the mythology episodes. Part 16: The hallucinations (Red's and Dom's)
For the final post of this series, what is left to analyze of the mythology episodes are the hallucinations. Once it was announced Lotte Verbeek would appear in early season 8, and we saw what she would wear, I figured we might get another toehold, and waited to publish this post until then. We had discussed the fights, and the assassins coming to kill Katarina, but what to make out of the conversations Red is having with himself in the form of an hallucination with a woman he does not recognize until the very end? Especially because in 8.02 we were provided with another hallucination, this time by Dom in his final moments. In this brief scene, Dom is having an episode following seizures, and seems to be deep in the past, talking to Lena Volkova, who Fakerina says was his wife, asking for his tea in Russian. Fakerina then takes advantage of the situation, and asks questions, but Dom seems to hallucinate or remember, a conversation(s) long ago with Katarina. I am listing what Dom says only:
He gave you back to me. I thought I lost you forever. It’s all falling apart. Everything gone.... Listen to me. I know what you are planning. I know you are thinking is your only way out... I know you’re in danger.... We can handle the cabal.
https://preview.redd.it/hxdsi7wlrq461.png?width=720&format=png&auto=webp&s=3b79d7fc1f852fdc0a4f62cfe00d44ec5720cd6d What is interesting to me about that hallucination is that Dom is talking to Katarina, even though is Fakerina in reality. In his weakened state, Dom was confusing both women. IF Red had some sort of relationships with both women, as it seems to be the case, then in Red's weakened state, after prolonged time in an opium den, and under the stress of profound grief, could Red ALSO be confusing both Katarinas? He tells his hallucination that he does not know her name. Red does not know Fakerina's real name, but Katarina tells him not to be ridiculous. Is this Red realizing who's who? If the women were supposed to be doubles, they had to look very, very similar. Could it be why he does not know who is he really talking to, or talking about? Did he create in his mind a composite of the two women? Maybe because he does not remember anymore how young Fakerina looked like? In a daze, he leaves his gun behind, at Mama Lu's, signifying he no longer cares to defend himself, but takes the cash. Dressed in severe black for mourning, he crosses the street and is almost hit by a limousine driver. Seeing the plate, he gets in and offers the driver a wad of cash to go to Cape May, New Jersey. In addition of leaving his gun, he shaves, suspends transactions, and pays his debts, the actions of a person putting his wordly affairs in order, not caring if he lives or dies.
Suspend all transactions. Pay off all my outstanding debt.
He is considering suicide, and he comes to the place where Katarina faked hers. A fake he must have believed at some point, judging by his suicide speech. BUT since we seem to be dealing with two dates, one in 1990, and one two months after the fire, we cannot be certain which one is he thinking of. Let us see if can deduce more from the dialogue and actions. Red first sees his hallucination in a cafe, being followed by a man with facial hair and a plaid shirt. This assassin is following the woman, and will eventually try to kill her. Who is he? Who is following "Katarina Rostova" in 1990 or in 1991? In the post about the timing and the enemies we concluded 1990 ENEMIES: CIA and KGB 1991 ENEMIES: CIA, KGB, Cabal ENEMIES BY 1995/97: KGB, Russian mafia, the Americans (CIA?), Neville Townsend. Because we do not know which Katarina, we do not know if he is part of the Osterman Umbrella Company (OUC) chasing the blond woman in the swing because she betrayed the KGB, or if he is part of the cabal, chasing Katarina because she had an affair with someone who could destroy them?
The Cabal knows I had an affair with a man who has information that could destroy them.
This man, by the way, cannot be RR or Red because neither had the full fulcrum, so it was worthless. Or the mysterious "Americans" chasing "Katarina Rostova" for a while, even though after a short time, the CIA seems to be denying she existed at all, just like a burn order. (Like Leonard Caul and Brian Osterman in TBL, the Gambler in the graphic novels, or Leland Bray in Redemption) Red then sits on the beach, and hallucinates with Katarina walking in the ocean. Since she walks in the water twice, we have to ask ourselves why? Was Red exploring what would have happened if he HAD been there, was he remembering, or was he imagining what happened, perhaps from accounts he had heard? Katarina did not walk into the ocean many times. For a fake death she would have wanted witnesses. And if she had been practicing holding her breath, as the tub scene in Rassvet seem to imply, she was preparing herself, meaning she had a plan, which may, or may not have worked as expected. https://preview.redd.it/wxblajjepq461.png?width=644&format=png&auto=webp&s=cdd1052f6a543504bb3965dac16e694dbade07a7 Or were the two walks in the water actual reflections of two faked suicides? ORwas the 1990 "suicide" supposed to be the "death" of the identity "Katarina Rostova", as I explored in the previous post, and it was never "used" or "discovered" because Katarina, needing to use the identity again to steal the 13 intelligence packets, thus having been seen again as "Katarina Rostova" needed a fresh fake death? Was that body recovered and re-used in a "failed ruse" Red and Ilya attempted, and then re-used again to convince Kate Katarina was really "dead"? Why waste a perfectly good cadaver? Let us move to the conversations now, finishing the series on the mythology episodes: What are the subjects of all of those talks Red is having with himself, imagining or remembering conversations with a redheaded woman he does not recognize?
An argument before someone died including harsh words, for which the woman is sorry.
Having or not having choices.
The rest are all about suicide, including the choice of suicide.
What suicide does to people who love that person.
What leads someone to suicide.
Sparing oneself from suicide. I will go into why I think that sparing someone who deserved to die is also about suicide.
If these are fragments of conversations had long before, or not, is impossible to know, until we learn of more events in those years. But for the post it does not matter, because Red is quite obviously in an altered state of consciousness, in that he hallucinates with a woman he does not recognize until almost the end. So whatever he is doing, this is very likely not purely a memory, nor purely an invented event, just like Dom's hallucination with Katarina likely was. AN ARGUMENT WITH SOMEONE WHO DIED The first conversation that Red imagines, when he brings the woman inside under a blanket by the fireplace is about her remorse for harsh words before some man died:
RED: You're okay. Talk to me. KR'S HALLUCINATION: It's not that he died. It's not even the way he died. It's in the things I said to him just before he died.
In the extended version, included in the DVD (part 1, part 2, part 3.) , this is the dialogue:
RED: You’re okay. Stay awake. (she’s drifting off) Stay awake. Talk to me. KR'S HALLUCINATION: It’s not that he died. It’s not even the way he died. (drifting off again) RED: Oh, no, no, tell me. Tell me. KR'S HALLUCINATION: It was the…it was the things that happened before he died. How it all went so wrong, so fast. We really loved each other. The, the horror isn’t that he died. It’s in the things I said to him just…before he died…
They drift off and Red flashes back to the scene before Liz’s wedding where she tells him to get out. Hurtful things Liz told him and he told Liz before she "died".
RED: You were wrong about him once. What makes you so sure you’re not wrong this time? Do you really want your child to pay the price for that mistake for the rest of his or her life? LIZ: Get out.
It is obvious that the man who "died" is Raymond Reddington, and that KR laments the things she said BEFORE he died. But remember, this is a hallucination. Red is saying this to himself, this is HIS point of view, which may, or may not coincide with what the truth is. In this part, it is obvious that the redhead woman is Katarina. What we know is that is remarkably consistent with what he had told Liz, speaking from HIS point of view: Red believed Katarina believed at the time, in 1991, after the fire, that Redddington was physically dead. We saw it when Red was answering a question about how could Katarina give Liz up when she did:
Your mother was never the same after that.The man she loved killed by the child she adored-- it was just too much. Two months later, she went to Cape May and left her clothes on the beach, walked into the ocean, and was never seen again.
This seems clear. AT the time, in 2016, Red believed that Katarina believed Liz had killed her father, Raymond Reddington. It tells us nothing about what Katarina really knew, or when did she learned things, it only reflects what Red, in 2016, believed about what Katarina believed in 1990/91. What is important is that Red revisits this, to see if there is something more about that remorse. It is a subject that interest him keenly:
You said you lost someone. Harsh words were spoken. Words you regret. I was out of my mind. There was no one. Just me.
why would Red care so much about what Katarina had said to RR before he "died" if he were NOT RR? He certainly tells himself that there was nobody telling him anything. It was just himself, even if he does not recognizes it for what it is: an hallucination. THE CONVERSATIONS ABOUT CHOICES. "there is always a choice" vs. "I had no choice." The rest of the conversations are about choices, some related to the fake suicide, other related to some Hobson choice. In season 7 Red seemed to have come to realize that sometimes there is no choice:
RED: She doesn't see it, or can't accept it, but her path is undeniable. GERARD: You make it sound like she has no choice.....I said you make it sound like she has no choice. I guess that is what I'm saying. Sometimes there is no choice.
Which is a marked departure from what he has been saying, what he clung to in this hallucination:
There's always a choice.
LET US START WITH THE OFTEN DISCUSSED HOBSON'S CHOICE:
It was a Hobson's choice. There was a woman and her child. Both were doomed. Both would die. I could either save one or lose both. I chose the child. It was it was the worst thing I've ever had to do in my life. Worst thing by far. You didn't have a choice. There's always a choice. I was arrogant. I presumed that there was an order to things, that there was... that if I nourished and protected and taught the child, she would be safe and happy. And she was neither. No matter what I tried to do, all I brought her was misery and violence, and eventually Death.
A Hobson's choice is a decision between one fixed option and no choice, that translates into having no choice but to take the only path available. It seems fairly obvious that the woman in "a woman and her child" is NOT Liz. Even though the past events are overlapping with the present, Red did not have a choice between Liz and Agnes, nor had Red nourished, protected or taught Agnes who was a newborn. So the woman in this segment is not Liz. So, it might be one of the women he knew and who are missing, or who he believed at some point had died, even for a while, leaving a child behind: Katarina or Fakerina. IF Carla and Jennifer Reddington had had their deaths faked when they went into WITSEC, it would have been both of them, not a woman leaving a child behind. the women that Red seem to have had a relationship with Red does not seem to have had to make a choice between Katarina and Liz. In the apparent narrative, Red comes in after Liz is safely hidden away with Sam, and Katarina took the money Red got from the banks and disappeared. Liz was safe with Sam. Nobody even caught a whiff of where she was. Even if Red IS RR, he still did not have a choice between Katarina and Liz. Taking Liz from Cape Breton was not a choice between them. Red seemed to be blamed by Dom for a failed ruse, a colossal mess, a decision he made for Katarina, and/or for being the architect of a charade, but none of those seem to have been a choice between Katarina and Liz, and Dom himself seems to be hell bent in protecting his granddaughter, who he calls Masha:
I'm worried they'll find Masha, try and leverage her.
So, that choice does not seem to have been one between Katarina and her child. It seems we are left with only two alternatives:
The first is that Red, in his opium haze and intense grief state, is literally putting himself in Katarina's place, looking at her choices though his eyes, to the point of changing the situation from a choice between a man and his child to a choice between a woman and her child.
The second is that this choice was between Fakerina and her child.
I had believed it was the first, until Fakerina appeared on the scene, giving us another option. In comparison, the second option has many things going for it. One way this could have happened is when Liz was born in Russia, as the events that led to Liz appearing in Canada as the child of "Katarina Rostova" and her husband Constantin Rostov are a mystery. Red told Liz she (not "Masha") was born in Moscow. In the 1980s, the USSR was a very controlling, very tight Communist regime, but Red also said that "Masha" was a rumor, so it can only mean that Liz was not born "Masha" or Maria from "Katarina Rostova". She was born under a different name, from a woman using another name NOT "Katarina Rostova." And that fits Fakerina. Red does not know her name. Note this reflects what Red knows about that situation. Red knows a lot about the events, but it does not mean he knows it all, as he says it:
I wish I knew the whole truth.
And IF Liz was born in Moscow under a different name, from Fakerina, but using some other name not "Katarina Rostova", HOW did she end up in Canada, being passed as Katarina and Constantin's daughter? Who took her out of Russia? That brings me to what Red said about moving stolen children:
moving stolen children is difficult. There's copious amounts of paperwork.
What child has Red stolen? I bet Fakerina's child from Russia, or Fakerina sneaked her daughter out of Russia to protect her. What matters is that at some point when the daughter was a baby, she was smuggled out of the USSR. That could have been a Hobson's choice. But a far more compelling option is by never telling anyone that Fakerina was not N13, OR EVEN BETTER, by not revealing that they were two women using the name "Katarina Rostova," and that by doing so, he was choosing the child's safety over the mother (Fakerina). Fakerina blames Red for using her ("Feeding her his narrative") and asks if "they" are watching, while Red contends he always helped Fakerina, he never betrayed her, and that nobody knew she was alive.
FAKERINA TO RED: You pretended to help me. You were never on my side.... You came to Paris to control me, to keep feeding me your narrative.
VS.
RED TO FAKERINA: I've always helped you.... Nobody knows you're alive....I never betrayed you.
RED TO FAKERINA: For what is worth, I didn't know what Dom was planning in Belgrade.... I could've helped you the way I ways have, kept you one step ahead. But staying safe wasn't enough, you needed answers. Well, now you have them. And now they've destroyed you.
It is entirely possible that Fakerina HAD NOT known that there was a double, or if she did, who was this woman. Or had not known entirely what Dom was doing. If Dom had taken Fakerina in as a child or teen, to protect his own daughter, without telling Fakerina what he was doing, he had in fact created doppelgängers, except Fakerina may not have known what Dom was doing. She may have known another woman was using the name, but may not have known exactly what the situation was. For the Russians, Fakerina was the only Katarina Rostova, and Dom was her father. Fakerina may or may not have known about Dom's biological child Katarina, but it does not mean she knew it all. For Red, letting this charade go on, may have been a way to keep the child safe, as well as to keep Dom's biological daughter safe. THE SUICIDE SPEECH AND THE CHOICE TO FAKE HER DEATH We have also the beautiful suicide speech, when Red tells this hallucination what the consequences of her suicide were, likely for him. In it, we KNOW that Red believed at one time one of them had indeed killed herself.
That's every suicide. Every single one. An act of terror perpetrated against everyone who's ever known you. Everyone who's ever loved you. The people closest to you, the ones who cherish you are the ones who suffer the most pain, the most damage. Why would you do that? Why would you do that to people who love you?
and the answer he gets from his hallucination, which might be just that, or might be a memory, or a mix is:
I have no choice. There's always a choice. Is there? That little girl. The one you told me about? The one whose father you spared? What would you do if you knew knew that as long as you drew breath, as long as you continued to exist, her life would be in danger? She would be hunted, and she would be killed. What would you do? What would you do? My child is being raised by someone else. I am her mother and I am death to her. So this is what I'm doing. I never wanted this.
Which Katarina had to "commit suicide" to keep her daughter safe? Katarina or Fakerina or both? Like Liz did when she faked her death, it was essential that the rest of her friends believed she was dead. She had trusted Tom, but likely, because he was in the room when Kate set it up with Liz. Had it occurred differently, would she have told Tom? Or would Tom's grief sold it better? She never told Samar, Aram, Ressler, or Cooper about it being fake. This is important. Much of the "discussions" between Red and his hallucination revolve around suicide and choices. The hallucination says:
My child is being raised by someone else. I am her mother and I am death to her.
The current narrative has Katarina being Liz's biological mother, and giving her up to be raised by Sam. But we now have another piece of information, which might be true:
One reason I gave up my little girl,arranged for youto grow up in this country,was to spare you my fate.
Fakerina may have indeed sent her child to safety to be raised by someone else in the US. If that child is really Liz remains to be seen. So Red had believed at some point that one Katarina (possibly both) had died truly, at least believe for a bit. Red talks about always helping Fakerina stay one step ahead, and mentions that nobody knew she was alive, but in 2015 he had told Liz he had no real idea how or why "Katarina Rostova" had disappeared. It is possible that helping Fakerina stay safe was something done between 1985 and Belgrade, not after, and that Red truly believed that Fakerina had died sometime after it. RED TO FAKERINA: I've always helped you.... Nobody knows you're alive. RED TO FAKERINA: I could've helped you. The way I always have, kept you one step ahead. But staying safe wasn't enough. You needed answers. Well, now you have them. And now they've destroyed you. RED TO LIZ: There was a time in my life when I was quite sure I knew exactly what happened to Katarina Rostova. But after all these years, I'm not sure I have any real sense of how or why she disappeared. By October of 1991 he also knew Katarina was alive, as she was setting up some surgery with Koehler. THE CHOICE TO FAKE HER DEATH Red inquires from his hallucination what made her decide to go in the water. But be mindful that RED KNOWS KATARINA ONLY FAKED HER DEATH. So what is HE talking about in this particular instance, taking into consideration he is talking to himself, in an hallucination?
Why did you go into the water? What made you decide?
that is a very straightforward question. What was the deciding factor in executing the fake death. The answer makes no sense whatsoever as a straight conversation. Think about this: QUESTION: How did you decide to actually commit suicide or fake your death? ANSWER: the people you have killed deserved to die, but have you spared someone who deserved to die? The ONLY way this makes sense is if Red is talking about a time he thought about committing suicide, but spared himself, even believing he deserved to die, or that Katarina had said she deserved to die, but spared herself. This is a pick up from the conversation he hallucinated when "she" was in the tub:
Have you? [killed anyone] Yes. Many. But never anyone who didn't deserve it. Me, too.
the improbable conversation continues:
Why did you go into the water? What made you decide? You've never killed anyone who didn't deserve it. Yes. That is a fine thing. A noble thing. But not terribly difficult. That's true. Have you ever spared someone who deserved to die?
Let us review it again: QUESTION: How did you decide to actually commit suicide or fake your death? ANSWER: the people you have killed deserved to die, but have you spared someone who deserved to die? It is a very clear conversation about suicide, or rather, about deserving to kill oneself, but sparing oneself. Red is, in my opinion, mixing the past and the present. He is talking about both Liz and Katarina AND about Fakerina and Katarina.
There was a woman I loved. She was my life. My heart. And she died. She left behind a little girl. One last, precious piece of herself.
The woman he loved could have been any of them. Fakerina and her child, Katarina and her child, or Liz and her child. Different kinds of love, but all of them love. Let us continue:
I would give anything to be a part of that child's life, but a man made it clear I would never see her, hold her, watch her grow. And I knew in that moment, I would never be any part of that beautiful little girl's life. Because He was her father.
in that part, some man told him that he could not see that child, and that man is the child's father. So, a woman who had a child died. Red wanted to be a part of that child's life, as the last part left of the woman he had loved, but the child's father made it clear that that was not going to be. Red goes back to Tom telling him he cannot see Agnes. That is the present. Liz (the woman he had loved) had died, and her child's father (Tom) told him he could not be a part of the child's life, leaving him with no option to hurt or kill Tom because Agnes only had him left. BUT Red did not want to harm or kill Tom by then. Red had been courteous to Tom, asked permission to hold Agnes, told him in person Liz had died. Accepted Tom's offer of seeing Agnes and accepting protection for Agnes, in return for Tom's involvement in taking down Kirk. The point is not that he does NOT kill Tom, the point is that he had stopped to WANT TO do so because he was important to Liz, and he was Agnes's father. So, what is Red really hallucinating about? Whose father he wanted to kill but did not because the father was all the child had left in the world? These are our options, having eliminated Agnes: Liz and Jennifer. Raymond Reddington WAS Liz's biological father, and Jennifer's legal father, at least. But whoever Jennifer's biological father was, that man was not involved at all in her upbringing since her mother went into WITSEC. Garvey had been the surrogate father, but Garvey entered the story as the US Marshal in charge of their WITSEC relocation in 1991. If a death had been faked for them at that time, it would have been both of them. So, that option does not work for another man, meaning the man Red may have wanted to kill but spared was Raymond Reddington, Liz's biological father. So what Red is REALLY saying in there is this:
There was a woman I (RED) loved (KATARINA AND/OR FAKERINA). She was my life. My heart. And she died. She left behind a little girl (LIZ). One last, precious piece of herself. I (RED) would give anything to be a part of that child's life (LIZ), but a man (RR) made it clear I (RED) would never see her, hold her, watch her grow. And I (RED) knew in that moment, I (RED) would never be any part of that beautiful little girl's life (LIZ). Because He (RR) was her father. And to harm him (RR) would be to harm her (LIZ). A mortal sin. Her mother is gone (KATARINA AND/OR FAKERINA). The father (RR) is what she (LIZ) has left in the world.
So, Red is saying Red spared Raymond Reddington (RR) because RR was all Liz had left in the world. Except, in the apparent narrative, RR was dead after the fire. Liz shot him, and even though supposedly he was taken out of the burning house, RR "died" in Katarina's arms, if we were to believe the Rassvet tale, and for reasons that make no sense, instead of leaving the body to be found, end the traitor story with a dead body, Katarina took him and buried him somewhere, and then somehow, Red and Kate supposedly re-buried with much love the bones of that man who now Red is saying deserved to die, but was spared because he was all Liz had in the world? That makes no sense. This only makes sense if Red IS RR, and he spared himself from suicide, a deserved suicide, because HE (RED = RR = LIZ'S FATHER) was all Liz had left in the world when he believed her mother(s) was(were) dead. And then finally he does what he had not done up until then, at least not consciously, what he had dared himself to say out loud, now that he believed Liz was dead:
The quality of the cooking is wholly irrelevant in this case, isn't it? Given the circumstances. And those are? You tell me.Tell yourself. Say it out loud.
So he does tell himself, out loud: He was "Her father. Yes." This way:
There was a woman I loved. She was my life. My heart. And she died. She left behind a little girl. One last, precious piece of herself. I would give anything to be a part of that child's life, but I told myself I would never see her, hold her, watch her grow. And I knew in that moment, I would never be any part of that beautiful little girl's life. Because I am her father. And to harm myself would be to harm her. A mortal sin. Her mother is gone. I am what she has left in the world. I am her father. Yes.
The only time Red has said anything like it was in 1.06, when Liz solves the Gina Zanetakos case:
LIZ: That's the target. New Orleans and Houston are the two biggest ports in the Gulf. If Houston were to close Because of radioactive contamination. RED: All traffic would have to be diverted to New Orleans. Hanar's profits would soar. They'd be the only game in the Gulf.
Red hangs the phone, and says to himself:
That's my girl.
or when he told Liz:
LIZ: I have a life, people who care about me. But you this is all you have. RED:I HAVE YOU
or when he tells her about regrets about giving her child to be raised by someone else:
Looking back, I'm not sure I shouldn'thave raised you myself.I don't want you looking back with that kind of regret.
Then he asked his hallucination why would she "kill herself"?
I have no choice. There's always a choice. Is there? That little girl. The one you told me about? The one whose father you spared? What would you do if you knew knew that as long as you drew breath, as long as you continued to exist, her life would be in danger? She would be hunted, and she would be killed. What would you do? What would you do? My child is being raised by someone else. I am her mother and I am death to her. So this is what I'm doing. I never wanted this.
Who is the hallucinated woman then? Katarina, who had left Liz to be raised by Sam, because she was marked? Fakerina, who had sent her child to be raised in the United States, and who had faked her death? Or is all of them, everything in his past and present colliding in his grief and opium haze? It is obvious that Red had believed ONE or BOTH women had really died. He had helped Fakerina stay ahead, and he obviously had learned that Katarina had faked her death, for he, whoever you might want to believe he is, was helping her with the money in the banks. Just remember that Red is not omniscient, even if he loves to cultivate the image of being so.
I wish I knew the whole truth.
<<<<>>>> <<<<>>>> read the entire series:
Part 1: Kate's memories until early 1990 (First part of Requiem)
Part 2: The awkward encounter in the woods and Liz's memories of Katarina prior to her abduction.
Part 3: From the kidnapping to the night of the fire (Liz's and Kate's memories).
Part 4: Kate's memories from the time she drops Liz at Sam's to right before Red sends Sam to get her, circa 1997.
Part 5: Ilya's memories corroboration of some of Rassvet.
I’m seeing a lot of fantasy here, so let me shake things up a wee bit. It was in the summer of 2011. Our group, fed up with what could only be described as pathfinder hell, decided to get a bit retro. So we picked up a system one of the older players had mentioned, the game in question was a system by Palladium called RIFTS. Specifically, a sourcebook called The New West. Now as you may or not know, RIFTS is a post apocalyptic earth where magic, psychic power, and all manner of supernatural nastiness exist side by side with high technology and good old fashioned firepower. The New West setting for this concerns, no prize for guessing, the old North American west, from the Texas border to the Pacific Ocean to Northern Canada. It started out, in traditional Tabletop fashion, as a shameless rip off of something we all enjoyed. In our case, the Magnificent 7. I was a Lawman, a frontier gunslinger who served the common folk as judge, jury, and executioner in the lawless west. I was accompanied by a Mining Borg with a truly terrifying love of explosives, a psychic Bar Wench who could sell water to a fish, some oddball medicine man whose class I forget with a magic sword and a habit of being the only one who ever got seriously wounded, despite being our only doctor, and a Gambler with weaponized playing cards who was serving as my deputy. Together, we were embroiled in the troubles of some no name town somewhere near what used to be the Mexican border. Our foe was a particularly nasty Vampire, who happened to be the mayor’s brother, and who happened to have a taste for the blood of children. We were preparing the town to fight off him and his minions when my character had a brilliant idea. As a Lawman, he wasn’t exactly required to be a white hat, just to uphold the law, and so he hatched what began as a simple scheme. We were keeping the children in a walled compound towards the center of the town, with our defenses spiraling out from there, but our party was put together to be good in a gunfight, not to deal with a posse of Vampires who could turn invisible, throw illusions at the townsfolk, and generally cause all manner of mischief and get to our charges with us none the wiser. However, we had a fair deal of money from turning over one of the Vampire’s lackeys to the Coalition (Think human supremacists with gundams and skelebots) for a bounty, and my character didn’t have anything to spend it on. So I took a short Rocketbike jaunt over to the local fort, and bought every derringer they had in stock, along with enough silver bullets (Vamps dislike those) for them to keep them popping until the Rifts closed and all was good in the land. I equipped the children with them in the hope that when the Vampires got through, the children of the town would create such a racket with the two shot pistols that we’d be able to come running and deal with the threat and fallout like the heroes we were. However, while I was teaching the brats how to shoot, the rest of the party sorta got the wrong idea. At first it was little things. When I was done teaching them how to shoot, the only task I might add that anyone in the group rolled poorly to teach and that had to be redone multiple times, the Doc went over first aid with them, and then the Gambler taught them the common sense of putting something bulletproof between you and whatever’s trying to kill you. The children, who had been bored out of their minds from being trapped in our makeshift fort for a month, took to it like fish to water. From there it escalated in all the wrong ways. Our borg pulled a group of them aside and started teaching them how to rig bombs. With real explosives. Our Wench went through them all, somehow found four of them to be psychically gifted, and started teaching them how to screw with people’s minds, and showed the rest how to work a radio. For the month we had to prepare, while the lawman was teaching townsfolk how to shoot straight and construct simple barricades, the children were drilled in tactics, demolitions, and marksmanship by a group of nutjobs who terrified the parents enough not to ask questions. Every credit the group had ever earned somehow materialized and all the sudden instead of Derringers we had a group ranging from 4 to 14 armed with everything from high end laser pistols to a pair of tripod mounted LMG’s. When the Vampires came, tripping off several thousand credits in sensor equipment being watched by shifts of twelve year olds, it wasn’t the heroes or the noble townsfolk who fought them off. I don’t even think they got to the fight. It was a bunch of freaking preteens with military grade hardware and incredibly poor parental supervision. The only things our group got to fight in the end was a severely shot to pieces master vampire who we found cowering in a crater in a minefield looking for his legs, and our manly tears at the growth of our charges. And that’s how James Francis, frontier lawman, unintentionally founded the Francis Youth. An organization that would return to haunt me to this day whenever the group plays RIFTS.
OVER BLACK: BLART (V.O.) The road of life is always under construction... FADE IN: SUNRISE.* (* fromthe first movie) BLART (V.O.) ... thejourney is hard, but once you reach the top, the view is amazing. Amy and Blart getting married.* BLART (V.O.) And that view is even more beautiful when you have someone to share it with... Blart and Amy DANCE ON SEGWAYSat their reception.* INT. BLART’S MOM’S FRONT DOORWAY - DAY22Blart opens the door and is handed a LETTER by a STERN MAN. BLART (V.O.) ...forsix days. INT. BLART’S MOM’S HOUSE - LATER33Blart sits in his Mom’s living room, holding the letter. She rubs his back as he CRIES HYSTERICALLY. BLART (V.O.) My beautiful wife of almost a week let me know by letter that she had, what I like to call “some regrets.” Her doctor called it, “uncontrollable vomiting.” Her lawyer... “dissolution of marriage.” He looks up at his Mom, cries a little more... and then RUNS out of the room. BLART (V.O.) That’s okay, I needed a little time to myself. Like the song says: I’ve been to paradise, but I’ve never been to me. (MORE) David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALSPE CONFIDENTIAL // That’s okay, when life knocks Page 2/88 you down, calmly get back up, smile, and very politely say, “you hit like a small boy.” And... (then) At least I still had the one thing that never seemed to let me down... security. INT. WEST ORANGE PAVILLIONMALL - DAY3A3AWe see Blart at the mall, throwing himself into his work. He rides through the mall, UP-NODDING to passing customers. BLART (V.O.) I spent the next two years losing myself in the sweet escape of keeping the West Orange Pavilion Mall safe. Blart spies a SMALL CHILD who appears lost. He rolls up to him on the segway and takes his hand, leading him to find his mom. Seeing the MOM, Blart reunites her with the boy. The mom is overjoyed. MOMThank you! (then to boy) Now give the fake cop a hug Andy. Blart is flattered and leans in for the hug. Andy is having none of it. Blart goes in again -- nothing. MOM (CONT’D) (getting agitated) Andy... hug him. BLARTUh... he doesn’t want a hug that’s okay. Blart is now frozen in the hug lean position. MOM(still to son) You are embarrassing me. Blart back away and leans in one more time, but the kid just BELTS HIM and runs away. The mom runs after him. Blart awkwardly gets on his segway and rides away. BLART (V.O.) (CONT'D) Salmon (05/02/2014)2. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLART (V.0) And, on the home front... I always had Mom. Page 3/88 EXT. BLART’S MOM’S HOUSE - MORNING44Mom, in a fuzzy bathrobe, walks out into the street... BLART’S MOMOh, here’s the paper. ...and is DRILLED by an old-fashioned MILK TRUCK. BLART (V.O.) That is until she got drilled by a milk truck. Didn’t know they even had those anymore. INT. BLART’S MOM’S HOUSE - DAY55Blart once again sits in his mom’s living room looking at a FRAMED PHOTO of his mom... CRYING, uncontrollably. Maya, who is now 19 years old, rubs his back. He once again gets up and RUNS out of the room. BLART (V.O.) Besides my Maya, it didn’t seem like I had very much to look forward to. // INT. BLART’S MOM’S HOUSE - MORNINGBlart once again sits in his mom’s living room looking at a FRAMED PHOTO of his mom... he begins to CRY, uncontrollably. In the picture, we see: His MOTHER standing in a sun dress and big, floppy CHURCH HAT, surrounded by AFRICAN HUNTERS on SAFARI in AFRICA. Salmon (05/02/2014)2A. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLART (V.O.) That is until her church group travelled to Africa, where she went on safari, and while snapping pictures, and getting a little too close, caught the business end of a Dicerosbicornis... a black rhino. Maya, who is now 19 years old, rubs his back. He once again gets up and RUNS out of the room. INT. WEST ORANGE PAVILLIONMALL - DAY66We see a melancholy Blart as he rides through the mall. BLART (V.O.) I guess I was the last one to get the memo -- Paul Blart had officially peaked... INT. DINING ROOM - DAY77Blart is opening mail at the table, he reads a LETTER that Page 4/88 has SECURITY OFFICERS TRADE ASSOCIATIONletterhead. INSERT LETTER: selected to join us for an all expense paid trip to the Security Officers Trade Association Expo and Award ceremony in Las Vegas, Nevada.” BLART (V.O.) ... orhad I? INT. MAYA’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS88Maya reads a different LETTER with UCLAletterhead. INSERT LETTER: accepted to the incoming freshman class.” BLART (O.S.) Maya! Come down here! I have some great news! MAYAMe too! Maya excitedly runs out of her room. INT. DINING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER99Maya bounds in. Blart can’t contain himself. Buff (04/30/2014)3. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLARTHoney... we’ve been invited to the Security Officers Trade Association Expo and Award ceremony, in LasVegas, Nevada! MAYAVegas? Wow! BLARTI think they’re finally recognizing me for getting the mall out of that jam. MAYAJam? Dad, you savedthe mall! They shouldhonor you. I’m so proud of you. Maya hugs him. BLARTThank you honey. Blart breaks the hug and then holds Maya by the shoulders. BLART (CONT’D) I’ll tell ya, times have been tough, but no matter what happens as long as I have you by my side, I’ll be okay. (then) Alright, enough about me... what’s Page 5/88 your great news? Maya realizes it’s not the time to tell her dad about UCLA. She secretly tucks the letter into her back pocket. MAYAYeah, umm... BLARTWell, c’monSweetie, you got me on pins and needles here. // yougot me on top of the roller coaster here. MAYAI just remembered that... we have left-over baked ziti. Blart stares blankly at Maya... Is he on to her? Then... BLART(even bigger smile) What a day!! // Weeeeee!! What a ride!! 4. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL The heroic MALL COP SCORE kicks in and we... CUT TO: CREDITS wiping behind the dented and worn SECURITY OFFICER 1010BADGE rotating through space. Finally settling on... TITLE: FLY-OVER1111The resort is bathed in golden sun, surrounded by the beautiful Las Vegas strip. EXT. WYNN HOTEL SOUTH VALET AREA - DAY1212Blart and Maya slam the trunk on their tiny RENTAL CAR. Blart, struggling with four bags of luggage, is dressed in tourist civvies and has a large laminated SECURITY OFFICERS TRADE ASSOCIATION EXPO pass hanging around his neck. A sweet faced valet, LANE (18), approaches. LANEMay I help with your bags, sir? BLARTNo, no. That’s how they get’cha. I’ll be fine on my own, thank you. LANENo problem, sir. Lane notices Maya and gives her a slight smile. Maya BLUSHES. INT. WYNN HOTEL SOUTH ENTRANCE LOBBY - DAY1313Blart and Maya enter the spectacular lobby. Blart drops his bags in AWE. For Blart, this is like going to the SUPERBOWL. BLARTTake it in, cupcake... 400,000 square feet of casino and retail Page 6/88 space, sitting atop 215 luxurious acres... all protected by the finest security this side of the//Uh... I got nothin’. Top notch security though. // Mississip... andthe other side, actually. Both sides. (then) Welcome to the show. // Showtime. 5. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLARTYeah, I definitely would stand down for Robocop. DONNA ERICONEHe’s not real. BLARTNo, I knew that. Wow, glad I packed my dress whites. DONNA ERICONEGood thing. Just don’t tell anyone I told you. BLARTTell anyone what? DONNA ERICONEAbout the keynote -- (realizing) Oh, you got me... She punches Blart in the arm, hard. DONNA ERICONE (CONT’D) ... You done gone and gotme! I’ll see you tonight. BLARTRoger that, Officer Ericone. Donna exits. Blart turns to Maya, rubbing his arm. BLART (CONT’D) You were right princess... things just keep getting better. MAYA(feeling guilty) That’s great dad. An energized Blart strides up to a male RECEPTIONIST. BLARTYello-ha. RECEPTIONISTGood afternoon sir, welcome to the Wynn Resort. Blart hands him his ITINERARY. He reads it. Taps on his computer. BLARTChecking in. Page 7/88 7. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL RECEPTIONISTAbsolutely... Mr. Blart. BLARTMr. Blart... (chuckles to himself) I’m sure you were thrown by the travel wear. It’s actually Officer. People often forget there’s a human face to law enforcement. Maya’s horrified. RECEPTIONISTOh. Okay... sorry about that. (then) Oh, yes... “Officer” Blart, I see we have you in a partial mountain view and you requested a “bottomless” bowl of Peanut M&M’s... BLARTI didn’t... my doctor probably... it’s strictly medicinal. Unfortunately, I am cursed with hypo-glycemia. “The hidden hell.” Sugar level drops and so do I. RECEPTIONISTOkay. BLART(not letting it go) It is okay because... fun fact for ya... Author Stephen King and comedian Sinbad, // R&B diva Patty LaBellealso have hypo-glycemia. So, I’m in pretty good company. RECEPTIONISTOf course. (taps a few more keys) Ooh... I’m sorry, but your room isn’t ready yet. In fact, we don’t have you checking in until three. But you can leave your luggage and I will have it delivered to the room. MAYADad, I’m starving. Can we just get some lunch? BLARTWhoa! Hold the mayo. (to receptionist) Page 8/88 (MORE) 8. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL I’m sure you didn’t know this, uh... (reads name tag) Heath, but if you check the Grand ballroom and see what group’s booked there tonight, I think your tune might change a wee bit... The receptionist HITS A KEY, reads the screen. RECEPTIONISTMini-Kiss... the cover band. BLARTWow, they’re good. RECEPTIONISTYes, they are. BLARTYeah, I’m not with them. Is there a manager, I could talk to? RECEPTIONISTI’m sorry she’s not available right now. Blart makes a decision... SIGHS. BLARTAlright... I hate doing this. Blart reaches in his SHOULDER BAG. MAYAOh no, Dad... not the maga-- BLARTSorry dumplin’, got no choice. MAYA(to receptionist) Terrace Cafe open for lunch? RECEPTIONISTYes it is. MAYAI’m out. Maya goes. Blart drops the MAGAZINE on the counter and then with GREAT FANFARE turns it to face the receptionist and SLOWLY SLIDES it towards him. BLART (CONT'D) 9. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL RECEPTIONISTI’m sorry sir, what am I looking at? BLART“Perimeter Check,” the official trade journal of the security industry, Feb. ‘09. RECEPTIONISTDid you print this yourself? Page 9/88 BLARTAbsolutely not -- it’s published biannually. Big seller in Canada. (then) Take a gander at the inside of the back cover, I think it should clear things up. RECEPTIONIST(reading) “Say goodbye to toenail fungus...” BLARTOpposite page... toward the bottom. RECEPTIONIST : Oh. (then) Is that you? BLARTIt is. (leans in) This is not public information, but it seems I’m going to be delivering the keynote speech at the Security Officer convention, tonight. RECEPTIONIST(remembering) Oh you know, I think they cancelled that... (checks computer) Wup, no, they didn’t. But it was downsized to conference room “C”. Nope, “F.” The Receptionist retrieves a MAP, and opens it. RECEPTIONIST (CONT’D) Okay, here’s a map of our property. Blart looks at it quickly and slides it back. 10. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLARTThank you. RECEPTIONISTNo, that’s yours to keep. BLARTDon’t need it. It’s been scanned. (re: It’s all in here. Locked and loaded. Time for lunch. Blart exits. After a beat: RECEPTIONISTSir, your daughter and the Page 10/88 restaurant are that way. He points in the opposite direction. BLARTYup... themap was upside down when I scanned it. Blart exits the other way. OMIT 1515INT. TERRACE CAFE / (EUROPEAN POOL) - DAY1616Blart arrives at an outdoor table to find Lane talking to Maya, who is already in the middle of an appetizer. LANEWas I lying about the conch fritters? MAYAYou were not! They’re amazing! With just the right amount of zip! LANEGotta love the zip! MAYAOh, I do... I was born to zip! LANEPut my hand up on my hip, whenI zip... MAYA...youzip, 11. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL MAYA (CONT’D) ...we zip. LANE...we zip. They share a LAUGH. There’s obviously a little connection between them. Blart clocks this. Lane turns to him. LANE (CONT’D) Oh, you forgot your valet ticket sir. He hands Blart the TICKET and then turns back to Maya, smiles and exits. Maya blushes once again. Blart plops down and stares at Maya. MAYAWhat? BLARTYou were bornto zip? Since when do you use the word “zip?” MAYAI always use the word zip. BLARTI don’t like it. Hipster talk. Maya shakes her head. MAYALook, Dad... you’re gonnahave to get used to the fact that I’m a big girl now. BLARTOkay, first of all, we’re all big... we’re Blarts. Wide hips, thick ankles and a low center of Page 11/88 gravity, that’s how the good Lord made us. That’s why we’re so good at moving furniture. Blart pulls something from his pocket. It’s a MECHANICAL VIBRATING FORK. He begins to pick at the conch fritters. MAYAWhat is that? BLARTMy vibrating fork. It forces me eat slower. You think I eat fast at home? On vacation, I’m like a greyhound chasing a bunny. Blart takes a QUICK TWO BITES and it indeed VIBRATES and a RED LIGHT light FLASHES. 12. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLART (CONT’D) See? Blart waits for it to STOP vibrating, and the light to turn GREEN. He then takes another bite. This time slower. BLART (CONT’D) There we go. (quietly to himself) It’s just fuel. Just fuel. VOICE (O.S) Mr. Blart? Blart turns around WAY TOO FAST for the situation. BLARTSHANGHAI! But it’s only the smoking hot general manager, DIVINA MARTINEZ, who has two ROOM KEYS in her hand. DIVINAOh. Sorry to startle you, sir. BLARTIt’s okay, sometimes it’s just hard to turn off. // You hit the trip wire is all. Divina has no idea what he is talking about. DIVINAOkay. Well, I’m Divina Martinez, the hotel’s general manager. I wanted to apologize about the confusion regarding the convention and let you to know how happy we are to have your group staying with us. (beat) And good news -- I upgraded your Page 12/88 room. It has a view of the strip, it’s ready right now, and I wanted to give you the keys personally. Divina sets the keys down on the table and accidentally BRUSHES HER FINGERS against Blart’s. DIVINA (CONT’D) Oh, sorry about that. (having fun) Although, I must say you have very soft hands. Blart immediately reacts. 13. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLARTWhoa. Pump the brakes. // Whoa, pffffffffft... airbag! DIVINAExcuse me? BLARTI sense what you’re doing... (off her name tag) Divina. DIVINAWhat am I doing? BLARTTruthfully? Being a bit transparent. DIVINA(confused) I’m sorry. I don’t follow-- BLARTLook, I understand it’s the 21st century and a woman can go after hers just like a man. Maya is now dying a slow death. MAYADad, I really don’t think she was-- BLART(puts his hand up) This is grown-up stuff, tadpole. (back to Divina) Look, it takes two to tango and my dancing shoes are currently out for repair. DIVINASir... I’m sorry if I -- BLARTApology not needed, just know I’m working my way through a maze of personal fire and until the flames of chaos subside... I’m just not ready for public consumption. Divina decides it’s best to just let the customer be right. Page 13/88 DIVINAUm... I understand, sir. Have a great stay. 14. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL Divina walks off. BLART(to Maya) It’s not just me, right? She was relentless. Divina, still totally confused, turns back to look one more time. EXT. WYNN HOTEL SOUTH VALET AREA - CONTINUOUS 1717A custom Harley Davidson MOTORCYCLE blows into the valet area and comes to a stop. The rider takes off his helmet to reveal... EDUARDO FURTILLO, HEAD OF SECURITY for the Wynn Resort and Casino. He is immaculately dressed in a GREY SUIT, with an EAR PIECE inconspicuously tucked into his collar. Two AGENTS from Casino Security join his side as Eduardo confidently enters the hotel. One wears a BLACK SUIT, AGENT PARSONS The other wears a PURPLE SUIT (like the one Henkwore,) this is AGENT JENKINS. EXT. TERRACE CAFE (EUROPEAN POOL) - MOMENTS LATER1818Divina stands there, lost in thought. Eduardo strides up. EDUARDO : Hola, mi amor. Divina, still a tad thrown, gives Eduardo a little kiss. He senses something is off. EDUARDO (CONT’D) What troubles you, my pet? DIVINAI just had the strangest exchange with that guy over there. Divina points to Blart. P.O.V: EDUARDOEl Gordo? DIVINA(this is absurd) Yeah -- he accused me of hitting on him. 15. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow Page 14/88 SPE CONFIDENTIAL EDUARDO(chuckles) Funny -- they say overweight people use humor to achieve affection. DIVINAYou know what? Okay, yes -- I also heard that. // -- that makes sense. They share a laugh, as they both look at Blart. P.O.V: VIBRATING and the LIGHT to turn off. A VIP RECEPTIONIST arrives and clears her throat. VIP RECEPTIONISTExcuse me, Ms. Martinez, our VIP guest has arrived. INT. WYNN VIP RECEPTION AREA - MOMENTS LATER1919Divina and Eduardo enter. Divina extends her hand to... VINCENT SOFEL, 40’s, TWO DIFFERENT COLORED EYES, a three piece suit, sits in a chair, sipping an espresso. A BRIEFCASE sits at his feet. Behind him is ROBINSON, mid 30’s, African American and Vincent’s bodyguard, SCOTT, tall, black suit. Vincent stands. DIVINAWelcome back to the Wynn, Mr. Sofel. We have the accommodations you requested all ready for you. If you need anything at all, please don’t hesitate to call either myself or our head of security, Mr. Furtillo. Divina points to Eduardo, who nods. VINCENTYou guys took me for a lot of money on my last visit. DIVINAWell, I hope you’re able to turn that around this time. Vincent smirks. VINCENTOh, I plan to. 16. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL INT. WYNN BASIC SINGLE ROOM -- LATER2020Blart finishes unpacking and notices that there is one QUEENSIZE BED and one folded ROLL AWAY. He calls to Maya. BLARTI don’t know how this is an upgrade. You take the bed, I’ll Page 15/88 take the roll away. MAYA (O.S.) Dad, this is your convention, you can’t sleep on the roll away. BLARTI certainly can. I once fell asleep in a hurdler’s stretch. // climbinga fence. // rakingleaves. // duringa snowball fight. MAYA (O.S.) We’ll figure it out later. I gotta get going. Maya comes out wearing a ONE PIECE BATHING SUIT, with puffy flowers. She’s holding her beach bag, and heads for the door. Blart panics... BLARTWhoaaa, okay, thanks for telling me, Victoria’s secret! (averts his eyes) What do you think you’re wearing young lady? MAYAUm, a bathing suit? BLARTMaybe for an elf // maybe for a cabbage patch doll... how about leaving a little to the imagination. // leavinga little for your wedding night. MAYAI was going to hang out by the pool. BLARTNot in that. Maya rolls her eyes, grabs a COVER UP and puts it over her bathing suit. MAYAFine. Then I’m going exploring. 17. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL Maya starts for the door. BLARTHold up. You got your extra phone battery? MAYAYup. BLARTFlashlight? MAYAAlways. BLARTHot pepper spray? MAYACheck. BLARTPocket knife-key chain, window Page 16/88 smasher? MAYAI do. BLARTBaby road flares? MAYAYes! I’ve got it all! Finally, Blart produces a small consumer WALKIETALKIE. BLARTHere take this. It’s set to monitor, so I can hear everything that’s going on. MAYANo way -- I already feel like a SWAT unit! BLARTMaya, security is a mission, not an intermission. Blart looks long at Maya, until this sinks in... Yellow (04/22/2014)18. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLART (CONT’D) Okay. Head on a swivel. She exits. INT. WYNN PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - DAY - HIGH CEILING2121We are in a beautiful, two story suite. There is a flurry of activity as several people (NADIA, CARLOS, KIRA, and Scott) move DIFFERENT SIZE WOODEN CRATES into the suite. Vincent hands Robinson the BRIEFCASE he’s been carrying. Robinson opens it and places it on the coffee table. He then unfolds three pencil-thin COMPUTER MONITORS from the case, revealing a KEYBOARD. We see that the briefcase has now become an elaborate COMPUTER SYSTEM. Robinson looks impressed. Vincent leans over Robinson’s shoulder. VINCENTLet’s see if I bankrolled the right NSA agent. Robinson hits a few keystrokes, then a PASSWORD and we see that he’s hacked into the entire Wynn surveillance system. ROBINSONHow’s that? VINCENTSo far, so good. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. All activity stops dead. Scott pulls a SILENCED PISTOL, puts it behind his back and opens the door. A Wynn security agent, HENK, enters. He wears the signature WYNN, PURPLE SUIT with a NAME TAG and an EAR BUD. HENKWe had a complaint about the noise. Page 17/88 Robinson stands and approaches the security guard. He looks him up and down for a tense beat, then... ROBINSONThat’s why we have you. Vincent steps up. VINCENTI gotta say Henk, -- nice uniform. 19. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL And Henk, the fake security agent, smiles wide. HENKYou don’t want to know what it took to get the real deal. VINCENTI don’t -- The activity once again starts. Henkwinks and... HENKGotta get back to keeping the Wynn Resort safe. Henkshuts the door behind him. Nadia, the art expert, holds up her phone as she approaches Vincent. NADIAThey’ve moved several of the pieces in the last few days. Here’s the new locations of all thirteen. On the screen is a hi-tech “3DRENDERING” of the entire hotel with RED DOTS marking the locations of the art. She hits send on her phone. Vincent then gathers his troops. VINCENTPerfect. I want to be in and out in less than nine hours people. Robinson holds up his phone next to Vincent’s, a timer is CLICKING DOWN from 9:00:00... 8:59:59... 8:59:58, etc. Robinson hits a BUTTON and the TIMER on Vincent’s phone perfectly syncs up. We now see the crew start to change their clothes into Wynn “EMPLOYEES: Even Robinson puts on a PURPLE security coat and EAR PIECE. INT. WYNN CASINO (ENCORE CASINO) - DAY2222Blart strolls through the casino, when he hears an ERUPTION of CHEERS at a nearby CRAPS TABLE. He weaves his way over. BLART(to gambler) What’s all the hoopla friend? GAMBLER # 1(re: This guy’s crushing! I’m literally running out of room for my chips! Page 18/88 20. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL WAITRESSIt’s complimentary, sir. BLART(keeps getting better) Complimentary? (signaling for all) Then root beers around the horn! She stares at him. BLART (CONT’D) (sotto) Just one. She exits. BLART (CONT’D) I have never felt more alive! The High Roller THROWS the dice. CRAPS DEALERSeven! Craps! A HUGE GROAN from the crowd. Gambler # 1 GLARES at Blart. GAMBLER # 1Boo. The dealer turns to Blart. CRAPS DEALERYou lost everythingBLARTBut, don’t I get -- CRAPS DEALEREverything. Devastated, Blart stares straight ahead and slowly backs away from the table. Just then his complimentary ROOT BEER arrives. Blart blankly grabs the mug, CHUGS the entire thing and slowly walks away in a daze. EXT. WYNN SOUTH ENTRANCE LOBBY - DAY2323Still stung, Blart walks through the lobby when he sees Maya talking to Lane at the Valet stand! He stealthily makes his way to get a better look, when Maya notices him. Busted, Blart tries to get away but he just slams into a LUGGAGE CART. 22. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL INT. WYNN HOTEL SOUTH VALET AREA - CONTINUOUS23A23ALane notice Blart, struggling with the luggage cart. LANEHey, is that your dad? MAYAI wish I could say “no” right now. Page 19/88 (then) I’ll be right back. Maya leaves and approaches Blart. MAYA (CONT’D) Dad, are you spying on me? BLARTSpying? No, I’m -- I just wanted you to know something... MAYAWhat? Beat. Thinks. BLARTThe door to safety swings on common sense. MAYAGo. Please. BLARTMaya. MAYADad! You are embarrassing me. BLART(heartbroken) Sorry you feel that way. I’ll leave you alone. MAYAPlease. Maya returns to talk to Lane, as Blart walks away, crushed. Just then, Blart is approached by SAUL GUNDERMUTT, a poorly dressed man with a mouthful of huge VENEERS, a thick Afro of RED HAIR and sporting large GOLD FRAMED EYE GLASSES. 23. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL SAUL GUNDERMUTTBlart. Saul Gundermutt, head of the Security Officers Trade Association. I catch you at a bad time? BLART(recovering) No, no, it’s a pleasure, sir. SAUL GUNDERMUTTPleasure’s mine and I just want you to know, I got you sitting at my table tonight. Blart can barely contain himself. This confirms it! BLARTWow, I’m just so excited. I heard rumblings.... Saul looks CONFUSED. SAUL GUNDERMUTTRumblings? BLART(leading) About the keynote... SAUL GUNDERMUTTOh... with good reason -- NickPanero’sgiving it. Great guy. Great guard. Page 20/88 Blart looks gut punched. He quickly tries to cover. BLARTYeah, no. NickPanero. Those were the rumblings. That’s terrific. That is SO good. (then) Love to meet him sometime... pick his brain... SAUL GUNDERMUTTLooks like your lucky day, here he comes. Saul nods in the direction of.... Officer NICKPANERO, 40’s, GOOFY, JITTERY wearing a MALL OF MIAMI T-SHIRT, and Officer GINO CHIZETTI, 50’s, wearing an ill-fitting TANK TOP. They approach Blart. Pink (04/21/2014)24. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL SAUL GUNDERMUTT (CONT’D) Blart. Officer NickPaneroand Officer Gino Chizetti. BLARTOfficer Manero. Nice to-- NICKPANEROHold the applesauce, hot shot. I heard‘ayou. Rumor has it, you thought youwere giving the keynote tonight. (turns to Chizetti) He thought he was giving it. GINO CHIZETTIYou thought you were giving it? BLART(covering) No. I didn’t -- NICKPANEROMan. You gotta stop bringing up that Black Friday thing, Blart. It was six years ago. GINO CHIZETTIGotta let it go. BLART(confused) I never brought up Black Friday. GINO CHIZETTIYa did... ya just did. SAUL GUNDERMUTTActually, the Black Friday thing’s why you’re here, Paul. BLARTHmm? SAUL GUNDERMUTTTo show some appreciation. Let you check out the latest in security technology and sit at the table of honor when Nick gives the keynote. Page 21/88 BLARTAnd what an honor it is. (to Nick) I’m sorry, what did you do again? Pink (04/21/2014)25. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL NICKPANERO(incredulous) What’dI do? GINO CHIZETTI(incredulous) What’dhe do? NICKPANEROLast year I thwarted a ring of frozen yogurt thieves. You know those punch cards where if you hit a certain amount you get a free yogurt? BLARTSure. SAUL GUNDERMUTTWe got ‘em in the mid west. NICKPANEROWell, these animals made their own hole-punch, and next thing you know the place is hemorrhagingyogurt. I had no choice but to take ‘em down. GINO CHIZETTITake ‘em down. NICKPANERO(to Chizetti) You gotta stop that. GINO CHIZETTIYup. SAUL GUNDERMUTTPretty impressive, huh? BLARTYeah, bad day to be a yogurt thief. NICKPANEROThat’s right, slingshot. Well, no hard feelings. Tell you what. After I bring down the house tonight... Chizetti and I’ll take you out for a cold one. BLART(through the pain) I don’t drink. That’s when a Segway EMPLOYEE rides behind them and pulls up to a Segway RENTAL KIOSK. Pink (04/21/2014)26. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL Blart’s eyes GO WIDE. Gino Chizetti leans in... GINO CHIZETTIHeard you’re pretty good on one of Page 22/88 those. BLARTI’ve been known to dabble. Blart jumps on the Segway... BLART (CONT’D) (trying to appear humble) I really shouldn’t. SEGWAY EMPLOYEEActually sir, you can’t. I would need a valid driver’s license if you want to take it for a test drive. Blart holds his LAMINATE in front of his face. BLARTI think if you peep the laminate, you’ll see I’m all access. Let me just nudge her out of whisper mode. Blart hits a BUTTON and the Segway gives off an acceptance CHIRP. SEGWAY EMPLOYEEOkay, well I see you know your way around a p133. BLARTI do, but this old gal’s a bit tired... I have a modified i2commuter myself. SEGWAY EMPLOYEEWow, that’s really cool... still gonnaneed a valid license though. Blart easily does a couple of quick moves. Growing in confidence... BLART(re: Whoa... THAT just took place. // Whoa... THAT was valid. SEGWAY EMPLOYEESir, please be careful. It’s about weight distribution. Make sure both hands are firmly on the grips. 27. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLARTOh, really? So I’m guessing you wouldn’t want me to do THIS! Blart takes BOTH HANDS off the Segway and leans forward taking off towards the Valet stand and Maya. Blart WINKS at Maya, she’s horrified. MAYAPlease don’t... Blart aggressively executes a series of impressive, ONE-ARMED SPIN MOVES, gaining speed and confidence. Blart takes off BACKWARDS into the driveway. Page 23/88 The crowd is impressed, until a SHUTTLE VAN pulls up and everyone GASPS... It’s going to DRILL Blart... But NO! Blart pulls off the move of the century and avoids certain disaster!! Just as he looks over to the impressed crowd and cracks a sly smile... he backs the Segway directly into a moving CONVERTIBLE! Blart back flips into the back seat and the car pulls away. Maya’s mortified. Lane is stunned. After a beat... LANEWell, I better get back to work. I’m off in a half hour. Maybe I’ll see you around. MAYAI’d like that. As Blart drunk-walks his way back into the valet area... BLART(mumbling) Shuttle van...// Still got the laminate... INT. WYNN BASIC SINGLE ROOM - AFTERNOON2424Blart, still in pain, lays on the ROLL AWAY. Maya enters from the bathroom wearing a Wynn robe. BLARTLottafun today... great fun! MAYADad, you okay? You should really get checked out. 28. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL Blart musters the courage to tell her. BLARTPumpkin, my body’s fine... it’s my ego that took a hit. Turns out I’m not giving the keynote tonight. Maya feels terrible. MAYAWell you know what? You should call a cop, because you got robbed. BLARTThanks kitten... but technically I wouldn’t need a cop -- MAYAIt’s a figure of speech, daddy. BLART : I know, it’s just, cops think they’re all that. Don’t like it. Do not... like it. Blart checks his WATCH. BLART (CONT’D) Page 24/88 Whoa, we got a meet-and-greet in fifteen... we should get a move on. Blart painfully gets off the roll away. MAYAAs exciting as that sounds, I think I’m just gonnatake a bath and a nap. I’m kindatired. BLART(a bit hurt) Sure. Right. You should get some rest. (beat) I’ll come back to get you for dinner at Bartolotta. We have reservations at six. It’s supposed to be the real deal. MAYA(short) Gotcha. Blart deflates, opens the door. MAYA (CONT’D) Hey dad... Yellow (04/22/2014)29. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL MAYA (CONT’D) Sorry about the speech. I’ll see you later. I love you. She gives Blart a KISS and heads into the bathroom. He can’t help but SMILE. EXT. EUROPEAN POOL/ CABANA BAR - AFTERNOON2525Blart stands with Gino and Donna listening to Nick. They all hold FRUITY DRINKS. NICKPANEROSo I got this one kid against the wall and I turn to the other and say, “hand over the yogurt.” It was over that fast. Lights out. GINO CHIZETTILights out. (turns to Blart) Hey, how much you pay for your belt? BLART(confused) Um... I don’t know it was a gift. GINO CHIZETTIYou gotta guy? ‘Cause I gotta guy. Page 25/88 BLARTA belt guy? No, I don’t have a belt guy. Just then an older, Indian man, KHAN MUBI, joins the group. As he greets each one of them, he HUGS them... KHAN MUBIKhan Mubi. Nice to meet. (hug) Khan Mubi. Nice to meet. (hug) Khan Mubi. Nice to meet. Blart takes the hug. BLARTThank you. It’s been one heck of a day. That embrace helped. Khan pulls Blart in for ANOTHER hug. BLART (CONT’D) Yup. First one warmed me up... but this one brought it home. Pink (04/21/2014)30. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL Khan releases the hug. BLART (CONT’D) We should probably go... They all make their way into the... INT. ENCORE CONVENTION HALL - MOMENTS LATER2626Where many KIOSKS are set up under banners...“NON-LETHAL WEAPONS... ETC.” Blart is impressed. BLARTWow... INT. WYNN BASIC SINGLE BATHROOM - SAME2727Maya lights a CANDLE and sets it on the edge of the tub. She takes out her acceptance letter, sits and reads it again. She is interrupted by her phone BEEPING. It’s a text from Lane. ON SCREEN: EXT. WYNN ASIAN SCULPTURE HALLWAY - SAME2828An incredible ASIAN SCULPTURE is being admired by two TOURISTS. Nearby, an attractive WOMAN drops her PURSE, scattering her belongings onto the floor. We’ve seen her before in the presidential suite, her name is Kira. KIRAOh, no! As soon as the tourists move over to help her, Robinson, dressed as purple coated security, takes out a REPLICA DOME and hits “play.” Page 26/88 ON SCREEN: He quickly moves under the SECURITY CAMERA and ATTACHES the replica dome, so it’s broadcasting what’s playing in a 360 degree field of view. He then holds out what looks like a hand held metal detector. A BLUE LIGHT emits from the device and SCANS the glass case. A light on the back of the device turns GREEN. Robinson then NODS to Kira. She nods back and Robinson moves off. 31. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL INT. ENCORE CONVENTION HALL "F" - SAME2929Blart, Khan, Gino and Donna move to the first kiosk where REP #1 lifts up what looks like a SAWED OFF SHOTGUN. Nick heads off in a different direction. REP #1I’d like to introduce you to “The Big Sticky Mess,” a sawed off shotgun that shoots glue foam. You get this on you and it’s stickier than a work shoe in an IHOPbathroom. The group moves to the NEXT KIOSK: Blart greets REP #2. BLARTWhat’s the latest, friend? REP #2Marbles... you release this tie, and two hundred marbles are at your disposal. It’s your best answer to crowd control. You can’t run with these under your feet. Heck, you can’t even stand. THE NEXT KIOSK: BLARTFlashlight? REP #3Nope. The VitruSonic Taser. Renders your assailant incapacitated for five seconds at a time. The group walks along, when Blart notices... THE KIOSK ACROSS THE WAY: Saul Gundermutt attends to a large CURTAINED BOX. Blart drifts away from the group and up to Saul. SAUL GUNDERMUTTHey Paul. BLARTHey Saul. What’chagot there? Page 27/88 SAUL GUNDERMUTTIt’s getting revealed tomorrow at the luncheon. It’s a prototype. Not supposed to show anybody. (looks around) (MORE) 32. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL But since you’re into gyroperformance vehicles.... takea gander. Saul peels back the curtain. We don’t see what Blart sees. SAUL GUNDERMUTT (CONT’D) Things will never be the same. Blart is shaken to the core. NEXT KIOSK: rejoins the group. REP #4When it’s time to make them pay the price, reach for “The Finisher,” * the most effective, non-lethal bean bag firearm on the market. The officers are impressed. The Rep turns to Blart. REP #4 (CONT’D) Why don’t you take her for a spin. BLARTMe? Um... sure. The Rep hands the gun to Blart who takes careful aim. There are FOUR TARGETS set up. Blart fires off four quick shots... MISS. MISS. MISS. MISS. We hear a CHUCKLE off screen. The group turns to reveal... Eduardo, Agent Parsons (black coat) and Agent Jenkins (purple coat). EDUARDOPaul Blart, Mall Cop. BLARTYes sir. EDUARDOEduardo Furtillo, Headof Security for the Wynn Resort and Casino.. BLARTOh, nice to meet a fellow brother in arms. (then, to his group) Fun fact for ya. You may notice that Mr. Furtillo here, being the head of security is in a grey coat. While... I’m sorry son, I didn’t Page 28/88 get your name. SAUL GUNDERMUTT (CONT'D) Cherry (05/13/2014)33. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL The security agent next to Eduardo speaks. AGENT JENKINSJenkins. BLARTWhile Jenkins here is wearing a purple coat. See, they have a hierarchy of coat colors based on their security responsibilities... Grey, black, pine, and then finally... purple. (to Jenkins) Sorry. No offense. AGENT JENKINSYou’re wearing a polyestershirt with spanxunderneath. BLARTYep. Good catch. // Today I am... yes. (then, to Eduardo) By the way, as a professional courtesy, happy to keep my eyes peeled for any irregularities while I’m here. JENKINSOh, I think we’re good. BLARTYou’re great, the best -- just honoring the code of the badge. If you’re ever in my barn, I hope you’d do the same. EDUARDO(to Jenkins) He’s adorable, right? Jenkins and Parsons share a laugh. EDUARDO (CONT’D) (back to Blart) I see you admiring the “non lethals”. Guess they don’t trust you with the real stuff. I mean what are you really “guarding” anyway? Cell phone covers and Cinnabon? BLARTWell, there’s also three ATM’s and a Dave and Buster’s, so -- Pink (04/21/2014)34. Page 29/88 David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL EDUARDOHey. (motions to Blart) Closer. Gonna let you in on a little secret. Since I was named head of security five years ago, we have not had so much as a towel go missing. The Wynn hotel is the most secure place in the entire world. Without breaking eye contact, Eduardo GRABS the bean bag gun and fires off FOUR SHOTS with one hand, KNOCKING DOWN all four targets. EDUARDO (CONT’D) We don’t need your help, amateur hour. But please, have fun at your little get together tonight. Eduardo drops the bean bag gun and walks away. Blart turns to the group. BLARTWow, that was impressive. And is it me, or did he smell like tobacco and vanilla? INT. WYNN BASIC SINGLE ROOM - AFTERNOON3030Blart enters his hotel room. BLARMaya... you still in the bath? (knocks on door) Sunshine? Concerned, Blart opens the door to find... the BATHTUB FILLED, candles STILL LIT, her ROBE lying on the floor. BUT NO MAYA! He grabs the phone in the bathroom. BLARTGET ME SECURITY! EXT. ENCORE BEACH CLUB POOL BAR - AFTERNOON3131As several youngpeople hang out, wefindMayaand Lane each enjoy a SODA. LANEIt’s so cool you got into UCLA. You must be stoked. 35. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL MAYANot really. I haven’t been able to tell my dad. Page 30/88
That reminds me of a story. Well, it’s a long and winding road, this healing up from being nearly exterminated by some knee-walking chowderhead in some Toy-auto Fruit-Juice Cruiser. Reality really intrudes and makes one realize they’re not 18 any longer. One must simply slow down and let nature take its winding, and winding restorative course. However, it still doesn’t prevent me from going out and supervising an impromptu demolition here on the outskirts of town. Seems that a local bakery was intent on having a fire sale, no matter how inadvertent. During the night, a couple of illegal LP tanks, the ones that are highly regulated here which leads to a slight additional cost, exploded during the early morning ritual of the firing up of the ovens. There are no piped–in supplies of cooking gas here. All cooking fuel, if not electric, charcoal, or wood, is supplied by government-inspected LP tanks. As noted, this raises the cost of said tanks some 8-12%. Evidently, that’s too much for some markets to bear, so they use ‘bootleg’ tanks; not-governmental inspected. These are typically dragged clandestinely across some of the loosely-patrolled international borders here. As such, these tanks vary from “used” to “Holy Shit. Are you kidding me?” I’ve seen some of these tanks, usually in sizes from 20 to 100 pounds, containing from 5 to 25 gallons of liquefied petroleum (hence: “LP” tanks), and I would avoid those like a Woman’s Christian Temperance meeting. Given the ambient temperatures, the pressures in these tanks can vary from 145 psi to over 350 psi. Now, this is a desert country, sure, but it’s actually fairly equable here of late being winter. However, that’s not the case when dodgy LP tanks are nestled cheek-by-jowl next to a fired-up, rapidly heating, and vintage naan-bread and chapatti oven. In short, the answer to the early morning question “What’s cookin’?” could have been answered “Everything! The kitchen’s on fire!” One or more of the tanks exploded and engulfed the entire enterprise in an exciting and unexpected series of fireballs. Most illuminating. Luckily, or so it seemed, all the undocumented workers there hauled ass and it appears that no one was killed to death or injured. “It is hard to say if anyone was hurt”, voiced the folks here tasked by the government to inspect these sorts of incidents. However, I was asked to do a little CSI-style sort of look about the accident site, since I’m a trained observer and have a bit of history doing this type of work, pro bono for the indigenous law enforcement types. Doing so, I found no calcined bones, gobs of charred, bleedingly gory flesh, nor long, bloody scratches on any walls indicating that there were any human casualties. It appears that with the early morning skeleton crew, the place blew, and all workers present scarpered to where no one knew. However, the bakery was a total wash. Walls collapsed, machinery bar-be-qued, wiring cooked, plus the fire burned so hot that virtually all the aluminum baking accouterments melted into rivulets of shiny, now frozen, flowing metal. So? Well, the place needed some immediate demolition as it was a hazard for squatters, of which there are many, especially in the current wintry climes here, some 250 C with a vicious north wind sweeping down from the Emirates…as well as the neighbors in the hood who lived next to the little disaster. Anyways. There were a few remaining walls of the bakery barely standing. I took care of those with some blunt remarks and a little C-4 that was grudgingly provided by the local military. However, given my current infirm, ‘Hey, I’m still healing here’ status, I needed to farm-out the actual placement and priming of the pyrotechnics. This is where the fun really begins. The local law wanted me to not only take down whatever sort of edifice remains that were teetering on the brink of collapse, but also lose the near 200’ tall chimney. Normally, no problem at all; barely an inconvenience. However, this bakery was in an old section of town. It had been here for decades, long before it had been surrounded by familial residences. The explosion and fire of the bakery was confined to the bakery building itself, but the chimney, of stoutest brick and mortar construction, towered above a whole slew of wattle-and-daub construction dwellings that probably existed here when Alex the Great strolled through all those long years ago. So that meant I couldn’t just blast the living fuck out of the base of the beast and drop it like an old elm with the Dutch disease. Oh, no. This thing had to do the vertical drop rather than the usual topple over and let gravity do its thing. This would take some thinking. Think, think, think. However, as I said, I couldn’t run around, and up and down, to set and prime charges. Oh, no. I had to farm that job out to an able-bodied series of apprentices. The majority of which have never handled explosives nor spoke anything that could have ever been considered English. OK. Nyet problem. I never, ever shirk from a challenge. This little job was going to pay handsomely for assistants chosen and I was deluged with applicants. I gathered the government-appointed blasters-to-be and interviewed them en masse. Early questions that culled the group down to a manageable few were:
Do you speak AND understand English?
Can you follow orders without question?
Is your life insurance paid up?
There is no question four.
What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
This shortlist of questions pared the group down from 25 to five immediately. I then went one step further and interviewed each one-on-one. Those thinking they could pull the cashmere over this old Rocknocker’s eyes were found out immediately. The list dwindled to three. The quizzing each with their respective knowledge of explosives, detonic chemistry and ‘Hey, shithead! You listening to me?” knocked the number down to two. Since this was a one-off job, I figured I’d be a nice guy, for a change, and take them both on. In retrospect, I probably should have added an extra layer of due diligence. I spent a day going over, in great and glorious detail, explosive theory, what could happen if they didn’t do exactly as I said and stories of those who didn’t, may whatever deity they believed in rest their torn, abused, and ragged souls. I really went in full bore. I didn’t just want to scare these two into doing exactly what I said, but when I said it. I also wanted to scare them straight away from ever trying something like what I was planning on their own. My books full of forensic evidence displaying what those poor, tortured souls endured before expiration really got their attention. So, on with the show. I explained the now-familiar methods of clearing the compass, the toots on the air horn, the thrice warbling of “Fire In The Hole” and other such necessities. Then I spent a day wandering around the remains, slowly and deliberately, looking at what needed to be done. I had to demonstrate to my acolytes that sandals were not acceptable in lieu of steel-toed boots, that wicker and rattan hardhats were not suitable for crawling around the wobbly wreckage of a business. Finally, kicking over bricks and throwing toasted products around the shop without first checking if they are harboring any snakes, scorpions or other slithery, bitey critters was not tolerable. “There’s a lot more that can kill you in here than just some rickety brick walls” I cautioned. There were a couple of snickers, and they said “Not to worry. We can get out of the way easily.” To which I added, “I can’t. However, I am big so I can easily block your path when the shit starts to rain. Now listen up, shut up, and give me no lip. You diggin’ me, Beaumont?” They started to say something annoying, but I decided that I’d had enough of their insolence. “Y’know, Scooters. This place is being held up by wishes and hopeful feelings. It’d sure be tragic if some loud-mouth dickhead’s path was blocked by a small charge of C-4 fired remotely before they could scamper out of the way of a falling brick wall…” That got their attention. “Now listen up, you goobers. I’m the Motherfucking Pro from Dover, and I was called in here because I’m the best there is. You are attached to me only by the cop’s wishes and can easily be replaced, warm or cold. I suggest you shut the fuck up and listen to what I have to say. I don’t suffer fools lightly, and well, y’know, shit happens, especially in places like this…” That really got their attention. Sometimes you just have to hit the puppy on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper… They were much more attentive and actually listened to what I said, without any, well, much grousing, or guff. Amazing what a few thinly-veiled, I’m still not feeling 100% so you’re going to get some shit, threats can do to some people. Well, with that in hand, I inspected the remains of the sorrowful bakery. I designated the remaining walls, or portions of walls; one, two, and three. Imaginative, I know. But considering the assets with which I was forced to work… Wall one was the rear wall, and mostly intact. I had my ‘helpers’ measure it and it came to 5 meters by 3 meters. Walls two and three were partials and rang in about 3 by 4 meters. OK, walls two and three are the first to go. No need to drill the base of the walls, a quick primacord-activated C-4 shaped-charge would sever the base. Since they’re being held up by good intentions and high hopes, these would vanish once the explosives detonated and the walls would tumble down inward. Wall one was the largest and if it fell in the wrong direction, that is, outward, it would rain bricks and shrapnel over the domicile that backed up immediately to what was once the bakery. OK, time for some cunning. I had my cheerless helpers string some light aircraft cable from walls two and three so that when the charges were fired, they’d fall inward. This would tension up the cables, exerting a pull on wall one. Then I’d fire wall one and let gravity do its best. Clear the compass, TOOT! x3 and all that. Walls two and three fell inward in puffs of C-4 augmented smoke. You could actually hear the cables thrum as they tightened and exerted their pull on wall one. I shot wall one some five or so seconds later, it teetered, leaned inward, shed a few bricks from the top and toppled into a neat pile atop the remains of walls two and three. Easy, peasy. Now, for the chimney. But first, as building materials command a premium price around these parts, and since I didn’t brilliantly shatter any of the walls, we were besieged by hordes of locals and not-so-locals clamoring through the wreckage trying to find re-usable and sellable bricks. I complained to the local cops but since the chimney was stout and of no danger, and I had cleared the bakery walls so there was no hazard there as well, they turned a blind eye. “Hey!” one of the cops told me, “That way we get the incident area cleared and it costs us nothing.” “Right”, I thought. Where we are, there’s no litigation if someone gets a brick dropped on their head, say from a competitor. Or if they find some charred knives or the errant scorpion looking for a warm place to bunk. “OK”, I said, washing my hands of the whole situation, “Your call.” I spent time photographing the chimney and the general area. I sent one of my unsmiling accomplices up to the top of the chimney to photograph the immediate area and get a bird’s eye view of the job. This was going to be tight. It would need to be a precision shot and one that came straight down, there’s that little room for error. Since I’m on light duty, I found shovels and set my grim-faced compatriots to the task of clearing the area around the chimney. Sure, they bitched, kvetched, and complained, but they did shovel out the area in less than two days’ time. Around here, I count that a victory. So, armed with the photos, a little computer work, several cigars, and many tots of Old Thought Provoker, I devised the best method of dropping the chimney in place. Straight down, thus avoiding all the residences from falling bricks or shattered masonry. This was going to take all my cunning and cuteness. Even more so, since I wasn’t the one that would be placing the charges. I’d have to map this out to the finest detail. I even went so far as to plug it into AutoCAD and do some finite element analysis. It was going to be one of the trickier shots of my career. However, I still had a few tricks up my metaphorical sleeve. Then I found out that a pool, of sorts, had developed among those concerned. They were taking wagers on whether this old Rocknocker still had the Right Stuff since I was so laid up and infirm. “Young hooliganish whippersnappers!” I growled. “Laid up? Somewhat. Old? Getting there. Lost my edge? Fuck you, one-eye!” I had a good friend of mine, a local chap, place some thick covert wagers on my behalf. I did this so clandestinely that no one was any the wiser. Of course, my ‘friend’ demanded 15% (down from an initial 25%) of the take to place my stealthy wagers. In doing so, I instructed him to do so in phases. Let the pot grow and maybe, just before the shot, we could entice the ill-informed others, those wagering against me and my skills, to give us some odds. Which is exactly what happened. Most of the bettors were subcontinental types, as gambling was their one form of recreation. They’re rabid gamblers. The locals, for the most part, eschewed this sort of activity, but since the local constabularies were all out-placements, they were in on it as well. All the better. My chance to extract my pound of flesh for that banking incident a few years ago. That is for another story after I relocate to a less paranoid culture. Suffice to say, I have a long memory. Very long when I’m the one getting railroaded. Anyways, returning to the scene a couple of days later, I had my complaining compatriots climb up and measure the chimney. I also instructed them to mark with orange spray paint, every 10-foot increment. Grumbling and grousing, they climbed up the iron ladder on the side of the beast and did as I asked. I made a big goddamned production of measuring everything three times. I used my theodolite to make double-damn sure that these two helpers of mine actually know how to read a tape measure and set about marking the base of the column for charge placement. I have an electric jackhammer, so I brought that in the next day and watched over coffee, cigars, and the surreptitious tots of my flasks as they bored holes in the base of the chimney. The structure was older than proverbial late Holocene dirt and yielded easily to the jackhammer’s admonitions. When the day was done, the chimney looked absolutely festive, adorned with “Caution: Unsafe Structure” yellow-tape, orange splotches of spray paint and the red paint I used to delineate the base. D-Day (“Demolition Day”) was slated for the next morning, but I begged off as I had to see my local sawbones. We pushed it back another day so that we could have it set for 1000 hours, giving those who needed to be somewhere else to skedaddle. The cops were going to evacuate some homes closest to the project “just in case”. It was then I got my three-to-one odds on the last of my covert wagers. I had arranged for some “Elephant Shit”, i.e., blasting putty, an oily, non-explosive, grayish-green blob of shmoo used to attach explosives in a vertical sense without the necessity of drilling holes first, to be delivered. I sent my unsmiling acolytes up to the top of the chimney armed with a batch of Elephant Shit and a spool of Primacord. I had them do it individually. One would wrap the chimney, spirally-downwards, in 10 foot clockwise increments. Once that was done, I sent the other to do the same, but in an anti-clockwise manner. The chimney looked even more festive. All red brick and orange Primacord, wrapped like a 200 foot-tall candy-cane of pre-demolition destruction. See, the Primacord was set with millisecond-delay blasting caps. The Elephant Shit would act like cement during those few brief milliseconds. Instead of the Primacord blast all going the path of least resistance, i.e., into the open air, it would instead be focused inward. With the helical spiraling, all the explosive force would be directed center-ward, followed by another spiral-wrapped shot to the allegorical cojones a few milliseconds later. Immediately after that, I’d let loose with a set of charges of C-4 at the base of the structure. The whole structure would drop, initially, five or so feet straight down, setting the stage, as it were, for the rest of the production. Gravity, as is its wont, would provide the additional energy downward, causing a vertical implosion. I went so far as to plant another set of C-4 shaped-charges at the 50-foot level, so to help the chimney telescope inward as it dropped downward. It was a chorus of cacophony I had to choreograph, but I was certain I’d done my homework and it would go as planned. I even had my helpers draft out a circular target area around the base of the chimney at 25, 35, and 50 feet. I had mentioned, offhandedly, that I was so confident in my design that I’d wager I would not have any chimney debris in the 50’ ring and probably most all in the 25’ ring. Money covertly changed hands at that pronouncement like fluttering snowflakes in a Baja Canada winters-eve blizzard. All was set, locals had been evacuated from homes that could if I was completely off my nut, be damaged by flying debris. Everyone present except me and my two helpers were sorted behind “Do Not Cross” tape safely in a muster area. I spent some time galving and re-galving every connection. I wasn’t about to let a little thing like a punctured lung and busted ribs slow me down. Finally satisfied that everything was primed, set, and ready, I shooed my unsmiling helpers off to the muster site. I remained solely behind, not 75 feet from the impending show; I was that positive of the outcome. Once more, with feeling… “FIRE IN THE HOLE!” I yelled, grimacing as my ribs let me know they were unhappy with their duties. I looked around, still all clear. Twice more came the call. I twisted the handle of the electrical blaster and adjusted my tin hat and safety glasses. FWSST! And KABOOM! The chimney complained with puffs of black bakery smoke at the prodding of the first round of Primacord. FWWSST and KABOOM! as the second set of helical wraps detonated a few milliseconds later. The chimney looked forever as if a huge giant reached down from the clear skies and grabbed hold of the structure and squeezed mightily. It imploded just like I thought it would. Now that it was at the behest of gravity, the basal charges let loose. KA-big fucking-BOOM! The whole mass shuddered, losing a few errant top bricks, but began a perfectly vertical descent downward. I decided to wait on the 50’ charges since everything was proceeding in slow-motion, or so it appeared, and nicely downward. A quick thought crossed my mind as I detonated the 50’ C-4 charges. I’d rather lose a wager than have a bunch of knuckleheads rush in to grab bricks before I could clear the site. Any unexploded ordnance could negate all my work thus far if some idiot got his hand blown off. It worked a treat. I set all those C-4 charges to ‘carrot’ inwards, severing the contact with the falling structure above, providing a new area, unencumbered, for them to drop straight down. A total of twenty-two seconds had passed and it was all over. Not a single brick or chunk of masonry anywhere near the 50’ ring. None near the 35’ ring as well. Everything, save and except for the final black skyward puffed “O” smoke ring generated by the chimney, was contained within the 25’ ring. That friends and neighbors is called a job well done. After I rewarded my good buddy his 15%, I shared the wealth with my two unsmiling minions; who were now smiling like the cat that ate the canary. After waiting the obligatory 30 minutes for any stragglers in the pile, I cleared the area. I went home to order a couple of boxes of those hideously damned expensive Camacho triple-Maduro cigars with my winnings.
Pay To Win-ism: A Cancer To The Game....... Pathetic or Super Pathetic?
Well buddyboys, its that time of the year again… it is time again that I bless you with my presence…..It is your humble KING…….grizz__feind….. Welcome to this installment of ‘Pay to win goofism: A cancer to the game’ Current division: 1 (ofcourse) Current free to play record: 120-55-9 Free to play? Damn right I am, son. I have taken a long break from this subreddit in the last few months due to the many ongoing investigations that originate from tips from my confidential informants. These confidential informants are paid subscribers to my private site where they send me names of pay to win lowlifes when they are discovered. If you’re wondering right now: “hmm im a pay to win clown… I wonder if im on his list?”….. you probably are…..Recently, we have gained exclusive access to one group of pathetic lowlifes via a Playstation chatroom. Now, this particular group has many players that rank within the top 30 in the world for PS4. (more on these "top ranked players" later). Now, im not necessarily allowed to comment too much on an active and ongoing investigation, but a few things need to be made public. Anyone that has seen my previous posts in previous years knows that I advocate against the pathetic gamblers-addiction mindset of being a pay to win goof ball snum bag. These degenerates spend REAL money to purchase virtual cards on a video game in an attempt to win more. Just let that sink in…Sounds pretty pathetic huh? Is there anything worse? I personally don’t think so. Super pathetic. If you spend more than the initial $59.99 to purchase the game, you are indeed a pay to win rat. Sadly, one goof within the chat room admitted to spending $27k on his team. Another admitted his friend paid $10k on his team. Something must be done about this. These people must be exposed! One thing is for sure: these greasy butthurt lowlifes are EA’s favorite little fanboys. Think of how many hundreds of thousands of dollars (if not millions) that EA has siphoned from these cowards over the last decade. I always say to myself that these goofs should be major shareholders by now! The best part about it is that these clowns are not even that good….My team, who’s best player is an 88 Eakin, can still play and beat these lowlifes on many occasions. I mean, just look at my record above…. Free to play stud! Its amazing how when these cowards agree to play on “online versus” with even teams, they can barely pull out the win vs. Grizz the King. In fact, "temp-277702" is one of these sad pathetic losers. Temp matched up in HUT with the king and quickly fell behind. It should be mentioned that Temp's team is a 97 overall goof team compared to my team that is an 85 overall free to play stud team. Should have been a blow out for him right? Absolutely. Was it? Nope. That sad loser had to go to OVERTIME to beat king grizz. How pathetic is that? Should have easily been 5-0 with his roster. How sad is that? I will let you all decide. This group of losers also included players "BasedPettersson" (rank 20) and "TrumpIsAMuslim". These two scum bags were actually inquiring to "cowphat_zilla" on how to "desync" other players. That’s right, folks. These two pathetic lowlifes want to not only pay to win (which is super pathetic already) but they also want to cheat to kick players from the game to get more wins. Just soooooo pathetic. What should be done with these little rats? Ill let you decide. “basedpettersson” is undoubtedly upset due to the fact that he has lost to me in the past. Its just so sad and pathetic how helpless these goons are when they play the KING. I have a special ability in beating pay to win lowlifes like this. A passion, if you will…. Finally, we have “cowphat_zilla”. This guy is ranked #15 in the world on PS4. He joined the chat that I described above and started to tell the king Grizz that he would “destroy him”. Once the game started on online versus, it was clear it was not gonna be easy for the little guy. The King grizz actually led the game 3-2 late in the third until Cowphat won the game in the final 15 seconds with a point shot bouncing in off of someones leg…. It became very apparent that this “#15 ranked in the world” player was nothing versus the king when he didn’t have his precious pay to win goof team full of 97s and 98s to hide behind. He and all the other “top 100” have been exposed for what they really are: utterly helpless without their fancy teams. Imagine being 15 in the world and barely beating a free to play stud like myself with a go-ahead goal with just 15 seconds left. Unbelievable. “sharpxo”, another goof ball in the chat that deserves an honorable mention, actually told the others in the chat to NOT play me in online versus because “the game mechanics are garbage and its slow”. What he meant to tell them is that they finally wont have all of their fancy pay to win scum bag cards to do the heavy lifting for them. And that king Grizz would expose them for what they really were. You just cant make this stuff up!! what a joke right?? So, you’re probbaly asking what can be done about this? First off, we should not expect any intervention from EA…. it is in their best interest to keep this cash cow alive and keep these pathetic clowns spending all of their weekly allowance on packs and cards, even if that means stealing their parent’s credit card to buy virtual cards on a video game. Just pathetic. We are alone in this war…We must stop the cycle by ourselves…But how? Well, we could impose a salary cap-like structure to the game. For example, you could still spend as much as your mom’s credit card limit as you wanted, BUT you can only have so many high pay to win lowlife cards on your roster at one time. I think this “rebalancing” well help some of the pay to win goofism that we are seeing in NHL20. I think a lot of the root reasoning is due to the fact that most of these lowlifes unfortunately reside in America’s hat (Canada)….Yikes, I know. Imagine living in Canada. It is apparently bad enough that its causing wide-spread pay to win lowlife-ism in that country. Not good. Not good at all, folks… I think it is a big wake up call for all the pay to win scum bags out there that are hiding behind their $1,000+ teams……. We are coming for you and you cant hide. Having said that, all pay to win goofs should step forward immediately and come clean about their addictive ways so that they can start the process to getting help. This is a serious condition and can lead to mental problems and financial hardship in a hurry. Imagine being a pay to win clown and spending over $5k on your team, just to get pumped by a free to play stud like. Just imagine. It sends these goof balls into a spiraling depression where there is no easy escape. At the end of the day, get help if you need help….Nobody can justify spending thousands on a video game because you have zero skill. Just so utterly pathetic. Contact me directly on PS4 if you want to come clean for being a pay to win weasel and want the King to possibly forgive you. Remember, always rag a pay to win goof and always stay free to play! Grizz out.
Together, we can stop the viscous cycle of pay-to-win goofs. What side will you be on?....
Well buddyboys, its that time of the year again… it is time again that I bless you with my presence…..It is your humble KING…….grizz__feind….. Welcome to this installment of ‘Pay to win goofism: A cancer to the game’ Current division: 1 (ofcourse) Current free to play record: 140-60-9 Free to play? Damn right I am, son. If you would like to join my private clan of confidential informants, you will need to pay the membership fee. There has been a major influx of members lately so please bare with me. Thanks goofs. I have taken a long break from this subreddit in the last few months due to the many ongoing investigations that originate from tips from my confidential informants. These confidential informants are paid subscribers to my private site where they send me names of pay to win lowlifes when they are discovered. If you’re wondering right now: “hmm im a pay to win clown… I wonder if im on his list?”….. you probably are…..Recently, we have gained exclusive access to one group of pathetic lowlifes via a Playstation chatroom. Now, this particular group has many players that rank within the top 30 in the world for PS4. (more on these "top ranked players" later). Now, im not necessarily allowed to comment too much on an active and ongoing investigation, but a few things need to be made public. Anyone that has seen my previous posts in previous years knows that I advocate against the pathetic gamblers-addiction mindset of being a pay to win goof ball snum bag. These degenerates spend REAL money to purchase virtual cards on a video game in an attempt to win more. Just let that sink in…Sounds pretty pathetic huh? Is there anything worse? I personally don’t think so. Super pathetic. If you spend more than the initial $59.99 to purchase the game, you are indeed a pay to win rat. Sadly, one goof within the chat room admitted to spending $27k on his team. Another admitted his friend paid $10k on his team. Something must be done about this. These people must be exposed! One thing is for sure: these greasy butthurt lowlifes are EA’s favorite little fanboys. Think of how many hundreds of thousands of dollars (if not millions) that EA has siphoned from these cowards over the last decade. I always say to myself that these goofs should be major shareholders by now! The best part about it is that these clowns are not even that good….My team, who’s best player is an 88 Eakin, can still play and beat these lowlifes on many occasions. I mean, just look at my record above…. Free to play stud! Its amazing how when these cowards agree to play on “online versus” with even teams, they can barely pull out the win vs. Grizz the King. In fact, "temp-277702" is one of these sad pathetic losers. Temp matched up in HUT with the king and quickly fell behind. It should be mentioned that Temp's team is a 97 overall goof team compared to my team that is an 85 overall free to play stud team. Should have been a blow out for him right? Absolutely. Was it? Nope. That sad loser had to go to OVERTIME to beat king grizz. How pathetic is that? Should have easily been 5-0 with his roster. How sad is that? I will let you all decide. This group of losers also included players "BasedPettersson" (rank 20) and "TrumpIsAMuslim". These two scum bags were actually inquiring to "cowphat_zilla" on how to "desync" other players. That’s right, folks. These two pathetic lowlifes want to not only pay to win (which is super pathetic already) but they also want to cheat to kick players from the game to get more wins. Just soooooo pathetic. What should be done with these little rats? Ill let you decide. “basedpettersson” is undoubtedly upset due to the fact that he has lost to me in the past. Its just so sad and pathetic how helpless these goons are when they play the KING. I have a special ability in beating pay to win lowlifes like this. A passion, if you will…. Finally, we have “cowphat_zilla”. This guy is ranked #15 in the world on PS4. He joined the chat that I described above and started to tell the king Grizz that he would “destroy him”. Once the game started on online versus, it was clear it was not gonna be easy for the little guy. The King grizz actually led the game 3-2 late in the third until Cowphat won the game in the final 15 seconds with a point shot bouncing in off of someones leg…. It became very apparent that this “#15 ranked in the world” player was nothing versus the king when he didn’t have his precious pay to win goof team full of 97s and 98s to hide behind. He and all the other “top 100” have been exposed for what they really are: utterly helpless without their fancy teams. Imagine being 15 in the world and barely beating a free to play stud like myself with a go-ahead goal with just 15 seconds left. Unbelievable. “sharpxo”, another goof ball in the chat that deserves an honorable mention, actually told the others in the chat to NOT play me in online versus because “the game mechanics are garbage and its slow”. What he meant to tell them is that they finally wont have all of their fancy pay to win scum bag cards to do the heavy lifting for them. And that king Grizz would expose them for what they really were. You just cant make this stuff up!! what a joke right?? So, you’re probbaly asking what can be done about this? First off, we should not expect any intervention from EA…. it is in their best interest to keep this cash cow alive and keep these pathetic clowns spending all of their weekly allowance on packs and cards, even if that means stealing their parent’s credit card to buy virtual cards on a video game. Just pathetic. We are alone in this war…We must stop the cycle by ourselves…But how? Well, we could impose a salary cap-like structure to the game. For example, you could still spend as much as your mom’s credit card limit as you wanted, BUT you can only have so many high pay to win lowlife cards on your roster at one time. I think this “rebalancing” well help some of the pay to win goofism that we are seeing in NHL20. I think a lot of the root reasoning is due to the fact that most of these lowlifes unfortunately reside in America’s hat (Canada)….Yikes, I know. Imagine living in Canada. It is apparently bad enough that its causing wide-spread pay to win lowlife-ism in that country. Not good. Not good at all, folks… I think it is a big wake up call for all the pay to win scum bags out there that are hiding behind their $1,000+ teams……. We are coming for you and you cant hide. Having said that, all pay to win goofs should step forward immediately and come clean about their addictive ways so that they can start the process to getting help. This is a serious condition and can lead to mental problems and financial hardship in a hurry. Imagine being a pay to win clown and spending over $5k on your team, just to get pumped by a free to play stud like. Just imagine. It sends these goof balls into a spiraling depression where there is no easy escape. At the end of the day, get help if you need help….Nobody can justify spending thousands on a video game because you have zero skill. Just so utterly pathetic. Contact me directly on PS4 if you want to come clean for being a pay to win weasel and want the King to possibly forgive you. Remember, always rag a pay to win goof and always stay free to play! Update: The pay to win try hard lowlifes have been out in full force the last few weeks. Its sooo pathetic and so typical seeing a lowlife get sniped up early in the game and get super butthurt. They realize they have the better squad and they can't live with the fact that a pay to win clown is getting pumped by a free to play stud. Just so funny. Who wants a shot at the king? message me goof balls. You will be dealt with accordingly. Grizz out.
I wrote about this yesterday, but the post was removed. I'm not clear as to why, because I don't think I violated any of the rules. In any event, I'll try again because I would like to hear other people's thoughts on the topic, but if something I say is violating a rule, someone please tell me? I’ve been a DJ for a long time. Like, a really long time; more than 35 years long time. So when I say I experienced a “first” for me as a DJ last night, that means something. Last night, for the first time, I DJ’ed to an empty room while hundreds of people watched and listened around the country. Now, I’ve done radio before, so this wasn’t my first time playing to a remote audience, but this was the first time I DJ’ed for dancers who weren’t there. Welcome to the world of COVID-19 and social distancing. On Wednesday, I let it be known that on Friday night I would be playing a set in my home, and streaming it through Twitch, a streaming service popular with gamers, but one that I’ve used before to broadcast performances. I expected maybe a dozen or so of my friends would tune in to watch and listen, but within a day of sharing the event on Facebook and Twitter, more than 300 people around the US and Canada had RSVP'ed, the majority of whom I didn’t know. I must have tapped into something, because it seems the entire world was ready for someone to do this. It was incredibly weird, and difficult, to DJ to no one, yet know that maybe 200-300 people were watching, listening, and dancing, all in their own homes. When I DJ, I base everything off of the crowd’s response to my music. I now that some DJs go into a performance with their set pre-planned, and practiced, or even prerecorded, and simply play it. Not me. I look at my audience, and even talk with some of them, before starting, and choose my first song based on my best sense of what they want to hear. Then I observe. I choose the next song based on how they react to the first one, and then next one based on the next reaction. I never know until a song is playing what is coming next, and it all comes to me from the energy and activity of the dancers. When do I speed things up? Do I stick with the same genre? Is it time to cool it down? Are they read for a slow song, or should I go with a slow but energetic track? All of that comes from you, my audience, and last night there was no you, only me. So truth be told, I have no idea how I did. I heard nothing but positive feedback and praise from people tuned in, but it’s hard to know what people really think, and as I couldn’t see anyone, I don’t know who danced, or how often. Have any of you done anything like this? Any thoughts, tips, pointers, observations, etc. that you came up with? Or is it just a matter of winging it and hoping for the best? That's pretty much what I did, and, well, it was a thing, and it happened. I often share my playlist on my web page after a a gig, and since I played nearly all vinyl, I had to sit and note track by track what I played (as opposed to when I use Serato, which gives me a saved playlist after the fact), but I logged it all. So if you're curious,here you go: my playlist of songs that I basically pulled out of my, well, you know, to entertain a nation of quarantined dancers. Speed of Life – David Bowie Jeepster – T. Rex Heartbeat – Wham! Girl From Mars – Ash Eric B. is President – Eric B. & Rakim Pamplemousse – Hurricane Party Time to Pretend – MGMT Superstition – Stevie Wonder I Want You Back – The Jackson Five One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Ten Barbie Dolls – Pizzicato Five The Sign – Ace of Base Dancing Queen – ABBA Stayin’ Alive – Bee Gees December 1963 (Oh What a Night) – The 4 Seasons The Safety Dance – Men Without Hats Genius of Love – Tom Tom Club Walk This Way – Run-D.M.C. Intergalactic – Beastie Boys Big Mouth Strikes Again – The Smiths Major Tom – Peter Schilling Transmission – Joy Division Brown Eyed Girl – Van Morrison I Saw Her Standing There – The Beatles Honey Bop – Wanda Jackson One Cup of Coffee and a Cigarette – Glen Glenn Somebody Told Me – The Killers Valentine – Delays Magic – The Cars Like a Virgin – Madonna Girls Just Wanna’ Have Fun – Cyndi Lauper Brass Monkey – Beastie Boys Bizarre Love Triangle – New Order Girls & Boys – Blur Over & Over – Hot Chip Move Your Feet – Junior Senior Kids – MGMT Baby Shark – Pinkfong Dancing with Myself – Billy Idol Take On Me – a-ha Footloose – Kenny Loggins We Got the Beat – The Go-Go’s Mickey – Toni Basil Tainted Love – Soft Cell Blister in the Sun – Violent Femmes Faith – George Michael Red, Red Wine – UB40 Xanadu – Electric Light Orchestra and Olivia Newton John Heroes – David Bowie Babies – Pulp Love Will Tear Us Apart – Joy Division Son of a Preacher Man – Dusty Springfield Garbage Truck – Sex Bob-Omb Venus in Furs – Velvet Underground Fade Into You – Mazzy Star It’s the End of the World as We Know It – R.E.M. Smells Like Teen Spirit – Nirvana I Think We’re Alone Now – Tiffany Just Can’t Get Enough – Depeche Mode Blue Monday – New Order Girls on Film – Duran Duran Suedehead – Morrissey Dead Man’s Party – Oingo Boingo 007 (Shanty Town) – Desmond Dekker Phoenix City – Rolando Al and The Soul Brothers I Will Survive – Gloria Gaynor Copacabana (At The Copa) – Barry Manilow Just a Friend – Biz Markie …Baby One More Time – Britney Spears Hypnotize – Notorious B.I.G. Can I Kick It? – A Tribe Called Quest Tame – Pixies Deceptacon – Le Tigre Holiday Road – Lindsey Buckingham Alright – Supergrass Digital – Joy Division Starman – David Bowie Hurdy Gurdy Man – Donovan Vitamin C – Can The Gambler – Kenny Rogers Time of the Preacher – Willie Nelson Pour Man – Lee Hazlewood More Than a Feeling – Boston Lovefool – The Cardigans Disco 2000 – Pulp Staying Out for the Summer – Dodgy Atomic – Sleeper Parklife – Blur The Load-Out/ Stay – Jackson Browne Into the Mystic – Van Morrison
Well buddyboys, its that time of the year again… it is time again that I bless you with my presence…..It is your humble KING…….grizz__feind….. Welcome to this installment of ‘Pay to win goofism: A cancer to the game’ Current division: 1 (ofcourse) Current free to play record: 106-52-7 Free to play? Damn right I am, son. I have taken a long break from this subreddit in the last few months due to the many ongoing investigations that originate from tips from my confidential informants. These confidential informants are paid subscribers to my private site where they send me names of pay to win lowlifes when they are discovered. If you’re wondering right now: “hmm im a pay to win clown… I wonder if im on his list?”….. you probably are…..Recently, we have gained exclusive access to one group of pathetic lowlifes via a Playstation chatroom. Now, this particular group has many players that rank within the top 30 in the world for PS4. (more on these "top ranked players" later). Now, im not necessarily allowed to comment too much on an active and ongoing investigation, but a few things need to be made public. Anyone that has seen my previous posts in previous years knows that I advocate against the pathetic gamblers-addiction mindset of being a pay to win goof ball snum bag. These degenerates spend REAL money to purchase virtual cards on a video game in an attempt to win more. Just let that sink in…Sounds pretty pathetic huh? Is there anything worse? I personally don’t think so. Super pathetic. If you spend more than the initial $59.99 to purchase the game, you are indeed a pay to win rat. Sadly, one goof within the chat room admitted to spending $27k on his team. Another admitted his friend paid $10k on his team. Something must be done about this. These people must be exposed! One thing is for sure: these greasy butthurt lowlifes are EA’s favorite little fanboys. Think of how many hundreds of thousands of dollars (if not millions) that EA has siphoned from these cowards over the last decade. I always say to myself that these goofs should be major shareholders by now! The best part about it is that these clowns are not even that good….My team, who’s best player is an 88 Eakin, can still play and beat these lowlifes on many occasions. I mean, just look at my record above…. Free to play stud! Its amazing how when these cowards agree to play on “online versus” with even teams, they can barely pull out the win vs. Grizz the King. In fact, "temp-277702" is one of these sad pathetic losers. Temp matched up in HUT with the king and quickly fell behind. It should be mentioned that Temp's team is a 97 overall goof team compared to my team that is an 85 overall free to play stud team. Should have been a blow out for him right? Absolutely. Was it? Nope. That sad loser had to go to OVERTIME to beat king grizz. How pathetic is that? Should have easily been 5-0 with his roster. How sad is that? I will let you all decide. This group of losers also included players "BasedPettersson" (rank 20) and "TrumpIsAMuslim". These two scum bags were actually inquiring to "cowphat_zilla" on how to "desync" other players. That’s right, folks. These two pathetic lowlifes want to not only pay to win (which is super pathetic already) but they also want to cheat to kick players from the game to get more wins. Just soooooo pathetic. What should be done with these little rats? Ill let you decide. “basedpettersson” is undoubtedly upset due to the fact that he has lost to me in the past. Its just so sad and pathetic how helpless these goons are when they play the KING. I have a special ability in beating pay to win lowlifes like this. A passion, if you will…. Finally, we have “cowphat_zilla”. This guy is ranked #15 in the world on PS4. He joined the chat that I described above and started to tell the king Grizz that he would “destroy him”. Once the game started on online versus, it was clear it was not gonna be easy for the little guy. The King grizz actually led the game 3-2 late in the third until Cowphat won the game in the final 15 seconds with a point shot bouncing in off of someones leg…. It became very apparent that this “#15 ranked in the world” player was nothing versus the king when he didn’t have his precious pay to win goof team full of 97s and 98s to hide behind. He and all the other “top 100” have been exposed for what they really are: utterly helpless without their fancy teams. Imagine being 15 in the world and barely beating a free to play stud like myself with a go-ahead goal with just 15 seconds left. Unbelievable. “sharpxo”, another goof ball in the chat that deserves an honorable mention, actually told the others in the chat to NOT play me in online versus because “the game mechanics are garbage and its slow”. What he meant to tell them is that they finally wont have all of their fancy pay to win scum bag cards to do the heavy lifting for them. And that king Grizz would expose them for what they really were. You just cant make this stuff up!! what a joke right?? So, you’re probbaly asking what can be done about this? First off, we should not expect any intervention from EA…. it is in their best interest to keep this cash cow alive and keep these pathetic clowns spending all of their weekly allowance on packs and cards, even if that means stealing their parent’s credit card to buy virtual cards on a video game. Just pathetic. We are alone in this war…We must stop the cycle by ourselves…But how? Well, we could impose a salary cap-like structure to the game. For example, you could still spend as much as your mom’s credit card limit as you wanted, BUT you can only have so many high pay to win lowlife cards on your roster at one time. I think this “rebalancing” well help some of the pay to win goofism that we are seeing in NHL20. I think a lot of the root reasoning is due to the fact that most of these lowlifes unfortunately reside in America’s hat (Canada)….Yikes, I know. Imagine living in Canada. It is apparently bad enough that its causing wide-spread pay to win lowlife-ism in that country. Not good. Not good at all, folks… I think it is a big wake up call for all the pay to win scum bags out there that are hiding behind their $1,000+ teams……. We are coming for you and you cant hide. Having said that, all pay to win goofs should step forward immediately and come clean about their addictive ways so that they can start the process to getting help. This is a serious condition and can lead to mental problems and financial hardship in a hurry. Imagine being a pay to win clown and spending over $5k on your team, just to get pumped by a free to play stud like. Just imagine. It sends these goof balls into a spiraling depression where there is no easy escape. At the end of the day, get help if you need help….Nobody can justify spending thousands on a video game because you have zero skill. Just so utterly pathetic. Contact me directly on PS4 if you want to come clean for being a pay to win weasel and want the King to possibly forgive you. Remember, always rag a pay to win goof and always stay free to play! Grizz out.
Slightly early happy fourth of July everyone! And belated Happy Canada day to our northern neighbors! And just happy days all around to everyone else! This is a chapter a loooong time coming. But I just kept kicking the idea around in my head, unhappy with it until things felt like they fell into place. Without further ado the long awaited next chapter of Spellslinger! My Stories My Patreon “So… what exactly are we doing again?” Fenrina asked as she helped Steve fit some parts onto a large contraption he was assembling. “We’re going to stop Scott, and fight his army of skeletons.” Steve reminded her as he slapped some pieces together and wrapped plenty of his special flexible fabric of aquatic bird binding around the parts to hold them in place. “No, I mean yeah. I get that. But… like how? And what’s this for?” Fenrina asked as she lifted a giant wheel up so Steve could bolt it to the side of his project. “This is what will help us break through his army. I call it… Spellslinger’s automatic fossil fuel external combusting self propelled mobile engine! Or the SAFFECSPME for short.” Steve grinned and proudly posed before his machine. “Steve you are just… terrible at naming things.” Sherry sighed with a slow shake of her head as she looked up at his rather haphazardly slapped together invention. “I am not! You take that back female with whom I have relations!” He huffed. “I’m so tired of all these stupid artifacts we find that are just like… The orb of wonder! The circlet of insight! The Staff of penetrat- Actually that one is rather self explanatory… Regardless! When I name something people don’t have to be like oh I wonder what that does. No! They know exactly what it does right from the get go! Hah!” He once more set his hands on his hips and struck a proud pose. “Why not like… take some of the words and stick them together? Like… auto...mobile. That sorta means the same thing right?” Fenrina suggested with a shrug. “The automobile?” Steve asked as he gave Fenrina as confused look. “Pfft. What’s that even mean? It’ll never catch on. Unlike SAFFECSPME!” “Safakspm?” Fenrina tried. “No. SAFFECSPME.” Steve corrected her. “Safeskspem?” She tried again. “We’ll deal with that later.” Steve waved a hand dismissively. “What’s important now is waiting on word from the Archon that she’s finished up the spell we’ve been working on. Then we… well we wait for some of the skeletons to get here. I don’t have any more fossils so we need to smash them up and toss them in there.” He pointed to the large scoop at the front of his vehicle full of large spiked grinders. “Then inside I have a reserve of arcane water to mix with the ground up fossils, which then combusts here, which is why I’ve got the pipe to make sure most of the explosion is external. And then it’ll start moving forward.” He explained with a slow nod. “How do we… steer it? And… where do we sit?” Sherry asked as she eyed the machine with a very nervous expression. “Uh… I’ve got a wheel like on a ship, and I’ve made… seats.” Steve gave another vague wave at the machine. The seats he had bolted or strapped into place were more of the just fit wherever style over the actually made with purpose style. “Oh also, since this is super dangerous don’t forget safety first. Goggles everyone.” He went around to hand them each goggles. “These will help us if it explodes?” Fenrina asked as she strapped them onto her face. “Oh no. Not at all. They’re just to keep sand out of your eyes when we’re going fast.” He explained. “Well, I do like to go fast.” Fenrina nodded with her usual levels of confidence and complete lack of concern. “Can I mention that so far you’ve yet to mention how we’re going to defeat Scott. Or how we’re going to assemble the rest of Fenrina’s people. Or! Or how you’re even going to cast your spell!” Sherry reminded them even as she put on her own goggles. “The Archon is casting that spell I mentioned. It’ll round up all of the people who’ve become…. Were-huskies and drop them near us. Don’t worry about it. Also I still need a better name than werehusky. As for casting the spell? Once we’ve mashed up that many of Scott’s skeletons I should have lots of power to use.” Steve shrugged. “As usual our best plans just sort of… happen. Without planning.” “That makes them not plans.” Sherry drly remarked. “What about Scott? You heard the Archon she said he had powerful magicks with a K. Even with all four of us I’m not sure we can breach such old spell barriers.” Sherry then reminded him. “Yeah but that’s why Steve is going to finger bang him.” Fenrina reminded them with a shrug. “Ugh…” Steve groaned at that. “Just… stop saying that.” “You guys won’t say what’s wrong with finger banging people! So until you do I’m just going to finger bang bang all day!” Fenrina wagged her fingers at the others. “The finger that I’ve sabotaged will strip away his shields and then he’s like a basic skeleton. Uh… that is alive and talks and stuff. We can smash him real easy then. Larry could even deal with it… if he hadn’t forgotten all his spells for fighting undead and replaced them with party tricks.” Steve glared at the dwarf then. “Larry insists it so unfair to shame a cleric for choosing to fight boredom at parties of sexy elves instead of fighting boring unsexy undead.” Both Sherry and Steve rolled their eyes as Larry tried to defend his practice of quick casting more… gimmicky spells. Such as transmute water to wine, and greater mood lighting. “Regardless we need to hold them from getting past this part of the Hamak desert because if they get down into the casinos around Sinner’s Meadow a whole lot of gamblers, plus all the poor bastards the sunbinders buried with their pharaohs over the centuries, will become zombies. Or… skeletons maybe. Something undead. Although it might be hard to tell the difference compared with their usual behavior…” Steve mused idly as he rubbed his beard. Steve, Sherry, and Larry all looked out across the reddish sands of the desert before them knowing a vast horde of undead should be approaching them quickly from the valley of the dead where Scott and the rest of his Dicks had been buried, and conveniently lost to time until now. “So, Steve, out of curiosity, what if Scott has some extra warriors buried at different points around the desert as a vanguard with like skeleton chariots and stuff and we start getting attacked before the Archon has her spell ready?” Fenrina asked. “That sounds like an oddly specific worry Fenrina… but I guess we’d just have to ride around smashing skeletons until she’s ready. Why?” Steve asked and looked over to see the canine looking behind them. “Because I think that hill is a tomb.” She pointed and the others looked around to see a mass of skeletons rushing up towards them, some on chariots being pulled by skeleton horses as well. “Oh shit!” Steve hissed out as Sherry and Larry turned to quickly set up to face the oncoming attack. “Get ready and remember the plan!” Steve shouted. “What plan?!” Sherry hissed back. “That’s easy!” Fenrina grinned as she got out front with her shield raised. “Stuff the bad skeletons into the mashing bit! Drive around and find Scott! And then- Spellslinger Fingerbangs- “Don’t you dare!” Steve interrupted her before she could finish, and began to cast a fireball at the charging chariots. “The plan is- Spellslinger Slaps a Dick “They keep splintering into tiny pieces! I can’t even get a decent snack!” Fenrina growled out as another pair of skeletons rushed up at her only for her sword to cleave through both of them as a cloud of dust erupted in their place. “We’ve got to somehow get them straight into the grinder!” Steve shouted and hurled a vine spear into the spoke of one of the chariots, causing the whole thing to tumble over as the skeletal horses shattered. “Maybe Sherry’s whip? It doesn’t seem to destroy them as much!” Fenrina called out. “The problem is when I whip them they just make these moaning sounds!” Sherry called back as she held a contingent of skeletal warriors at bay to the side of the machine. “So… they’re immune to the whip?” Steve asked with a glance over. “No, it still works but it’s really creepy and I don’t like it!” Sherry growled back. “And they don’t run from it they just stick around to get whipped more!” “I’ve got an idea!” Fenrina announced and used her shield to smash apart another skeleton before rushing over to grab Larry. “Fastball special!” “Larry hates this idea!” The dwarf shouted just before she spun and hurled him into the driver of one of the chariots knocking the skeleton out as Larry tumbled into the chariot. The dwarf quickly grabbed the reins then, but it wasn’t easy as he had to keep hopping to see over the horses. “Into the machine!” Fenrina yelled at him even as she used her shield to shove several of the warriors in front of Steve’s engine. Realizing what she was doing Steve quickly pulled several reagents from his belt and stuffed them into his mouth before vomiting ice all over them to stick them in place. “Ugh… I hate the flavor.” He muttered as he spit out a final snowball. “Stop moaning and get back you creepy shits!” Sherry screamed on the other side of the machine as she kept furiously cracking her whip at the possibly masochistic vanguard of skeletons to try and herd them in front of the engine. Just as they were all in position Larry drove the skeletal horses into the grinder at the front of the machine, shoving the herd of warriors in at the same time as the dwarf hurled himself free of the wreckage at the last moment. For a second nothing seemed to happen as the grinders slowly turned, but then they began to pick up speed and the entire machine started to roll forward slowly. “Hop on!” Steve called out as everyone jumped onto the nearest seat available. Steve tried to slip into the seat behind the steering wheel but to his surprise Fenrina picked him up before he could fully sit down and tossed him onto the front where he grabbed the nearest set to stop from sliding off. “Fenrina! The hell?!” “All of you cast magic and stuff! What am I gonna do in here? Ask you to drive closer so I can hit them with my sword?” She snorted and pulled a lever to disengage the brakes. Steve was rather impressed at how much more focused she’d been lately. “Besides this way I can make it go as fast as I want!” She grinned wide as he immediately retracted his thought and sighed. “Well… aim for the main cluster to get more fossils for fuel!” He hollered and pointed at the group still pouring out of the hill tomb. As they began to roll downhill the machine started to pick up speed both from smashing into more of the now fleeing skeletons, and the downhill course. Steve meant to start casting something to help thin the horde but instead he spent most of his time trying to avoid the sword and spears that were flying past him as the warriors got mulched by the grinder. He’d need to adjust his design a bit for the next one. Thankfully Fenrina didn’t seem to need any help as his machine plowed through much of the vanguard as they tried to leave the tomb and by now it seemed to be fully charged as a gout of flame erupted from the back pipe making the entire thing shudder a moment. There were several more jerks as explosions rocked the SAFFECSPME forward and Steve desperately clutched the sides of his seat to steady himself. “Steve you asshole slow down!” Sherry screamed to the side. “I’m not driving!” He yelled back. “Sorry, force of habit! Fenrina!” The demon looked over but the husky was busy letting out a howl and then letting her tongue dangle in the wind as the machine shot out across the desert, rattling and bouncing over the terrain. While Steve had planned for the goggles to shield his eyes he’d not given as much thought to his mouth and was coughing as his position at the front of the machine made him a magnet for dirt, sand, and bugs. He quickly pulled a cloth from one of his pouches to wrap around his face. When he looked to one side he saw Sherry had cut part of her shirt to do the same. But when he looked to the other side he saw Larry had in face pulled a rather large pair of panties over his face and then pulled his goggles down over it. “What the-” “These are not Larry’s panties. For Larry does not wear panties. Except right now. As a mask.” He replied before Steve could even ask. Though that didn’t really answer much of anything. Steve wanted to ask more but then Fenrina spoke up as she glanced back. “Hey Steve what if the skeletons saw what sort of machine we made and somehow like banded together into similar machines but made out of bones and stuff and came chasing after us to stop us and were covered in spikes and more skeletons and stuff?” She asked in one long breathless sentence. “Uh… that’s… not really… possible?” Steve tried to think of what sort of magic could do something like that but wasn’t sure if it could be done. Especially not so quickly. “Okay, then I guess I’m hallucinating.” Fenrina shrugged and Steve leaned out to the side to see several skeletal vehicles suddenly chasing after them. “Oh what the fuck!” He gasped out. One of the smaller skeletal vehicles raced up ahead as he saw a skeletal trumpeter on it blaring some ear piercing tune. “That’s impossible! You guys are cheating!” He yelled over at them even as every skelton aboard the undead machine flipped him off. “Doot doot motherfucker!” One of the more well armored skeletons simply screamed back at him as they started to jump across to board their ride. The trio had to quickly try and fend off the attackers from their already precarious seats. “How can a skeleton even play trumpet! You don’t have lips!” Steve screamed as the skeletal minstrel jumped across and played trumpet in his face even as he chopped the skeleton’s legs off at the knees sending the upper body tumbling off the side. Thankfully with the speed Fenrina was going across the desert all they really had to do was shove them back off the sides and they’d be smashed to bits from the impact. Yet the reanimated bones didn’t seem to have any issues with suicidally trying to ram their new bone-mobiles into the DOOM engine. Thankfully Steve had made his SAFFECSPM to be sturdy, though he was quickly making notes about what to add for the next version. Like something to strap him into his seat as the impacts from the skeletal riders would nearly knock him off the front and off the side. “Fenrina ram back!” Steve called out to her, but as she swerved to hit one of the bone-mobiles all the skeletons atop it just jumped over onto their ride. “New plan! Don’t do that!” “Haha! Death to the fleshy bois! Fuck flesh!” One of the skeletons cried out as he tried to decapitate Steve with an old sickle sword. Though Steve got his own sword up to parry the attack. “Yeah death to the fleshy bois! And… whatever this furry one is! Fuck the furry!” Another skeleton yelled as he tried to stab Fenrina with a spear, but she just grabbed the spear and used it to fling the skeleton off the engine. “Larry insists you don’t use that term. It doesn’t mean what you think it does!” The dwarf advised even as he smashed apart another skeleton with his hammer as it tried to jump across. “Why what does it mean?” Fenrina asked with a frown. “Yeah, fleshy boi! What’s it mean?” The skeleton from earlier asked before Steve quickly conjured a large stone fish to smash him apart. “Larry does not wish to explain right now. Larry simply… knows things that would suggest you don’t use that term.” The dwarf gave the others an odd look and Steve frowned a moment before narrowly ducking to avoid an arrow shot at them from a nearby bone-mobile. “Larry do we want to know?” He asked and the dwarf just shook his head. “I swear you’re worse than bards sometimes…” Steve muttered even as he began to fast a fireball to lob back at the skeleton archers. “Yeah well I’m tired of fighting all these boney bois and getting nothing to eat!” Fenrina growled out and as two of the skeletal vehicles pulled up alongside she yanked on the brake, making Steve let out a startled squeal and nearly roll off the front of the engine and into the grinder, but he caught himself on the edge. The two skeletal vehicles though smashed into each other in a mass eruption of bones which Fenrina then drove through, snagging a wayward femur in her mouth. “Mmhgnrnrng… uch etter…” “Damnit Fenrina! Can you stop thinking about food for two seconds and focus!” Steve yelled and scrambled to pull himself back into his seat. “‘Ere ‘e goi’ ‘nywa?” She asked as she kept chewing on the femur, causing little sparks to sizzle around her teeth. “Uh…” Steve looked forward across the desert as he saw a massive lightning bolt from some cliffs ahead and the clouds began to grow impossibly dark. “Yeah my bet is that way.” “Also ‘at ‘o I ‘o if ‘I ‘ee’ a ‘ig ‘orado ‘ats s’arkly?” She asked, refusing to give up her snack. “What do you do if you see a big tornado that’s all sparkly? I don’t know… why do you ask?” Steve was watching Fenrina as he pulled himself back into his seat and then saw her point past him. When he looked back he saw an absolutely massive sand tornado crackling with purple lightning. “Oh for fuck’s sake! Stop asking questions like that Fenrina!” “Hat? It ‘ot’ ‘I ‘ault!” She huffed. “I swear it somehow is!” Steve hissed. “Get away from it! Towards the cliffs!” He pointed towards the beam in the sky pulling in more and more dark clouds. But as they got closer to the cliff he saw a tide of skeletons riding an entire fleet of bone-mobiles out towards them. “Never mind! Towards the tornado! Towards the tornado!” He screamed as he waved towards the tornado. Fenrina veered off towards the swirling vortex of sand and lightning as Steven feverishly pulled reagents from his pouches and frantically etched runes into the hood. Even as they approached the massive storm the skeletons were overtaking them. Sherry had summoned her bone wings and was using them to operate a massive flaming bow to smash apart approaching riders with spear sized flaming bolts, and Larry was tossing holy orbs up into the air before using his hammer like a bat to smack them at the oncoming horde. It was still going to be extremely close as the tornado bore down upon them and the tide of skeletons grew ever closer. “Larry!” Steve screamed to be heard over the howling wind. “Bubble us!” “Larry would have to use up a lot of energy to shield us all! Plus Larry does not appreciate the divine protection being called a bubble!” The dwarf protested, taking a momentary break from lobbing the holy bombs at the skeletons. “Larry so help me you will bubble us all right now or I’ll tell the Archon what you did in the faculty lounge!” Steve screamed back. The dwarf went wide eyed a moment and set his hands on the engine before a golden sphere shimmered around them just as several of the bone-mobiles smashed into them. Thankfully with the bubble up they were instead blasted apart instead, and Fenrina was free to drive them straight into the vortex. As the sand and lightning swept over them the bubble crackled and broke apart quickly, but Steve already had his hands up in the air and was shouting out virtually every protective weather ward he knew to create a break in the wind for them barrel through as the storm overtook Scott’s army and began to tear them apart. Steve could feel the drain of energy from shielding them as they thankfully burst out of the sand into the eye of the storm. Yet even as the sky above them was clear and blue they suddenly saw several more vehicles ahead of them. Except they weren’t the bone-mobiles. They seemed to be made of rusty metal, and several were completely covered in spikes, plus their wheels were very small and made of some material Steve didn’t recognize at all. Not to mention instead of angry undead skeletons they seemed to be crewed by humans wearing bits of strange spiker armor that Steve also didn’t recognize. It didn’t seem like metal. “Wha? Where did these guys come from?” Steve frowned in confusion. Before he could even try and call out to them one of the spiked vehicles saw him and a rider lobbed a spear at them which exploded just as it hit the sand. More of the rides howled out as he saw them grab at their crotches for some reason and wiggle their tongues in the air. “Okay they’re not friendly.” He growled and quickly lobbed a fireball right back, igniting the vehicle as it exploded in a shower of metal spikes that Fenrina had to dodge. Several of the spiked hostile rides began to veer off towards him but a sleek black vehicle at the front dropped back and slammed into one, making it spin out and flip over a dune as the riders were tossed screaming into the storm as it moved. Forcing many of the others to drop back as they chased after them. “Oi you beautiful cunt!” Steve frowned as the rider of the sleek black machine came up next to him. Unlike the strange spiked armor the others wore this one was in black leather armor that was a little odd, but still something he was more familiar with. “What!” Steve called back, unsure about the insult. “Yeah! Thanks cunt! These mad mates been on me since a piss up in woop woop last night. Fuckin’ hoons ‘mirite?” The rider called back. “What?” Was all Steve could respond with. “Oi! Is that a Sheila dingo with tits drivin yer claptrap? Now that’s a bloody awesome mutant it is!” The black clad driver continued. “What!?” Steve echoed from before, entirely confused. “Right cunt! ‘Moff to the bottle-o! Hoo roo!” The driver called out before driving into the wall of sand ahead of them. “I am so lost.” Steve muttered before raising his hands to chant out more wards as Fenrina took them back through the vortex of sand and lightning. This time as they neared the end his arms were truly getting tired and when they burst back out into the sun he let out a relieved gasp and sagged back down into his seat. Fenrina was taking them straight towards the cliff the shadows were growing out of but he didn’t see any more skeletons just yet so he used the time to catch his breath. “Sherry… did that guy sound like a Drow to you?” Steve asked as he glanced back at the demon. “You know more about them then me.” She replied with a shrug. “Also why were those other guys all wearing assless chaps?” “Were they?” Steve frowned. “I think I was focused on other things.” He shook his head slowly and grabbed a rejuvenation potion off his belt as Sherry entered a narrow crack in the cliffs towards the shadow light on the far end. “Alright… uh… maybe slow it down a bit.” Steve urged Fenrina as they sped through the rocky walls with very little room on either side. “Sure thing!” Fenrina called out, apparently done with her femur at some point. However right after that Steve heard a snap and Fenrina reached forward to hand him a stick. “Hey, can you hold onto this for me?” She asked. Steve took the lever and looked at it in his hands a moment before realizing what it was. “Fenrina! This is the brake lever!” “Yeah. It broke.” She replied and then took her hands off the wheel to give him a big shrug as her tongue dangled from her mouth. “Damnit Fenrina.” Steve sighed, but before he could do anything else they exited the small canyon and came into a clearing with a rather steep drop off as the SAFFECSPM was launched off it into a pit below. The members of DOOM cried out and tumbled off the machine as it plummeted. Thankfully Sherry was quick to get her bone wings out and grab Steve while Fenrina grabbed onto Larry as the dwarf frantically cast another bubble around them so they’d bounce off the ground and roll to a stop while Sherry brought Steve down in a mostly controlled descent as they all landed around the wreckage of Steve’s machine. “My my my… you really are a tenacious shit sucker.” Steve looked around as he heard that voice and saw Scott standing above them upon a rather short pyramid. “Is this your pyramid Scott? It’s… a little small.” Steve called back. “It’s not about the size of the pyramid but how you use it!” Scott screamed back. Around them Steve saw more skeletal warriors start to rush forward from around the pyramid. “We’ve just got done destroying entire legions of your shitty warriors! What’s a few more?” Steve called up to Scott only to see larger skeletons start to rush out of the pyramid itself. Their armor and weapons obviously superior to the lesser skeletons they’d been fighting. “Well, fine! The more the merrier!” He continued even as black lightning struck the ground and ten foot tall half jackal half human mummies began to burst out of the ground. “I uh… I still think… we’ve got this.” He muttered at the end. “Do you? Do you really?” Scott asked as the ground around them began to rumble. Besides the pyramid the ground began to shift as sand fell away to reveal an absolutely massive snake rising up. Then the ground around them shifted as Steve realized much of the ground around them was just the coiled tail of this gargantuan snake. “That… that is… that is a very very big snake.” Steve muttered as he watched it rise up, clad in a rather dazzling jeweled headpiece that constituted the complete output of at least one gold mine, and the centerpiece was a ruby the size of Larry. “Your pathetic struggle ends here fool!” Scott called back at the snake’s massive forked tongue flicked out a moment and its maw started to open. “You’re such a dick Scott.” Steve huffed. “Yes. I’m the king of the dicks! No one is more dick than I! Scott!” The skeleton replied with a maniacal cackle as shadow lightning struck behind him to create an inverse flash of light to highlight his malevolence. “But you still haven’t found your actual dick I see.” Steve waved at the skeleton’s crotch. “You… dickless wonder!” “No… That miserable bastard of mine Eddy… I don’t know what he did with it! Him and that treacherous vizier Sigmund. They had the creepiest ideas about mothers.” The skeleton shuddered for a moment and then waved a hand. “But enough of this mindless prattle! You die now and shall be nothing more than snake shit soon! Strike my servant!” He called as the snake hissed out and rose up. “Hold on I got this.” Sherry said to Steve’s surprise and pushed him aside to step closer to the snake. Her own forked tongue flicked out and she began to hiss at the massive snake. “Hiisss. Hiss hiss hiiisss. Hiss hissss hisss hiss?” The snake stopped then and seemed to wriggle a moment as it… blushed? “HISSSS HISS HISSS HISSSSS HIIIISSISISS.” “What is this?” Scott demanded to know even as the two started to talk. “Snake tongue.” Steve replied. “I didn’t mean what language you insufferable turd!” Scott yelled back. Meanwhile the snake and Sherry kept talking. “Hisss hiss hiss hisss. Hhissisiss? Hiss hiss.” Sherry said with an exaggerated toss of her hair. “HISSS HISS HIIISS HISSSISIS. HISS.” The massive snake rolled its eyes and gave Scott a look even as Sherry gave Steve a similar look that made him squirm. “The judgement I feel is somehow worse than being eaten by that giant snake.” He muttered. “Stop dithering about whelp! I command you to eat them! Eat them right now! Do your fucking job and obey me!” The opulently decorated skeleton began to jump up and down as he screamed. This just made the big snake give Sherry a knowing look. “HISS. HISSS HISSSS HIIIISS. HIISSISIS.” It said as Sherry then laughed and waved a hand. “Hiiisss! Hisss hiss hiss.” With that the big snake rose up and started to slither out of the canyon that Fenrina had just drove them down to leave the clearing. “Stop! I fucking order you to stop! Get back here you insolent upsized worm! I’ll have you made into boots for my entire army! Get back here right fucking now!” He screamed but the snake just slithered off into the desert leaving them in a now emptier clearing with the short pyramid at the center. Though this did help highlight just how many hundreds of regular skeletons were still around them, dozens of the elite guard, and twenty or so of the big jackalpeople mummies. “I guess dick’s just don’t know how to talk to ladies.” Steve joked as the others chuckled. “Forget this fucking foreplay!” Scott called out and pointed a jeweled scepter at them. “I’m still king dick here! Even if I have to track down that traitor and skin her later you won’t be more than a fleshy lump once my warriors are done eviscerating you! There’s four against an army! Was this your plan you festering maggot!?” “Uh… No. My plan… was…” Steve floundered a moment as he tried to think of what to say. But then against the dark sky above them he saw a green light. When he looked up a massive sphere was hurtling through the air towards them. “Hah! That was my plan dickwad! Behold! The Orb of Donelaps! Eh… why is it all fuzzy?” He wondered for a moment, somewhat stealing his own thunder as the now fuzzy green orb smashed into the ground behind much of the skeletal army. The fuzz became readily apparent however as the sphere poured open to reveal hundreds of cheering werehusky barbarians who came charging out with all manner of weapon at hand. A mighty battlecry rose up from their ranks and echoed out all around them as they descended upon the unprepared skeletons. “Fooooood!” “Yeah! Food!” Fenrina cried out as she pumped her sword in the air. “Why am I not surprised?” Steve asked with a roll of his eyes as the barbarians clashed with the skeletons and mostly focused on ripping them apart to chew on their many bones. “Steve we’ve still got most of an army between them and us.” Sherry reminded him and he looked around as the ten foot tall jackalpeople mummies closed in. “Oh shit right.” They backed up against the wreckage of his SAFFECSPM and prepared to fend off the attackers as he yelled up at Scott. “Are you not going to face me yourself Scott? Man to man?” “No!” The skeleton called back immediately. “What? Why not!” Steve yelled back. “Because I’m a dick! How do you not get this?!” The skeleton shrugged as he looked back down on them. “Oh yeah! Well you might change your mind when you realize you can’t do this!” Steve called out and flipped Scott off. “Yes I can!” Scott quickly extended a hand to flip Steve off in return. “Uh… let's try that again. You can’t do this!” Steve now extended both hands to give Scott the double bird. “This is getting tiresome.” The skeletal king sighed and then set his scepter into a stand so he could double bird Steve in return, only to discover his missing finger. “What! How dare you abscond with my second favorite finger!” “Yeah! I bet you’d like to demonstrate how you feel with your hands! Except you can’t!” Steve taunted as he waved Scott’s finger at him. “Murder him and retrieve my finger! I’m coming down there!” Scott screamed and began to stomp down the pyramid towards them. “Alright guys! If we work together we can-” Steve started only to be jostled as Fenrina bounced off him and then leapt at the nearest mummy as she swiped across his chest, landing besides him and driving her blade into his knee before twisting the blade to pop the mummified leg apart and then spinning away to start attacking the next one. “Sorry Steve already busy!” She called out as he stood there. “Fuck… I didn’t teach her… any of that.” He muttered and then looked up as one of the ten foot tall mummies approached him. “Right right… I’ve got this…” He muttered and tried to think about not only what he could cast, but what might work. He’d been going through his supplies alarmingly quickly so far. “I uh…” The mummy stomped closer as it raised a massive sickle above him. “Uhhhh uhh.. I cast rock!” He slapped together some ingredients and then tossed a pebble at the mummy which bounced off its head. The mummy actually stopped and seemed to give him a confused look. “I cast bigger rock!” Steve shouted and rubbed his hands with the remains of the ingredients and pointed at the mummy as a boulder flew out of the sky and smashed mummy’s skull off completely. “Hah! I got one guys!” Even as he looked over Fenrina was somehow dueling three of the mummies all at the same time, parrying blows with her sword and shield as she deftly kicked, bashed, and stabbed them in return. Sherry was using her bonewing bow once more to impale mummies and Scott’s elite guard. Larry had initiated a holy poetry slam as he hurled divine insults about how ugly the mummies were to crush their spirits, just before he used his hammer to crush their bones for good measure. “Seriously? When did I become the slacker? When did this happen?” Steve asked no one. “Shitsucker!” Steve looked back and let out a rather unmanly squeal of surprise as he narrowly leaned out of the way of a blast of green energy from the magical staff the skeletal king held. “You die now!” Scott called out and began to wave his hands to no doubt follow up with a spell. “Hah! Eat disintegration!” Steve yelled back and grabbed the last of his prepared reagent pouches as he cast the words and fired back at Scott with a golden beam of pure energy before the skeleton could react. However the entire beam just seemed to course around the skeleton as shadowy orbs appeared to deflect the magic. “Uh… well… That was the last of the spells I had planned for today… If you could just… wait for my team to finish up…” Steve suggested and to his surprise Scott stopped casting. “Oh sure.” He nodded. “Really?” Steve asked in surprise. “NO!” Scott screamed and raised his hands as a series of shadow bolts began to fly out towards Steve, making him curse and fling himself around to very narrowly avoid getting impaled. Once the cascade of bolts was over Scott began to cast once more but Steve just tossed his finger at him. “Here! Take it!” He hollered and backed up as Scott grabbed the finger. “Yes! Now I can properly flip off children with both hands!” Scott cackled a moment but his cackling was cut short as the finger began to sizzle. “Wait… No!” At the last moment the skeleton reached to grab his arm but it was too late as the finger erupted in a pulse of energy that knocked Scott flat. The shadowy bubbles around him shimmered before they vanished with a distinct POP. “Huh… I don’t know what I expected… but that wasn’t it.” Steve muttered. “Alright! Steve! You did it! How do you like that Scott? Steve fingerbanged the shit out of you!” Fenrina called out as she cleaved through the last of the mummies. “Ugh.” Steve groaned. “Uuugghh… your dog is disgusting.” Scott muttered as he began to get up. “Yeah she is at times.” Steve nodded. “Why won’t anyone tell me what it means!? OOoooo I wanna knoooow!” Fenrina wailed with a howl. “Anyway it’s you and me now Scott! Man against skeleton!” Steve grinned and charged forward as he hauled off and punched Scott in the face, making the skeleton’s head spin around wildly. “How ya like that! No more magic! Just punching!” “Yeah Steve fist him good!” Fenrina encouraged as she began to bound over. “Oh for fuck’s sake… Please just… stop.” Steve groaned out and tried to focus on punching Scott’s spinning skull once more. But this time as he tried he gasped in pain as Scott’s teeth clamped around his knuckles. “Aaahhh! Oowww! OW! Stop it!” He tried to pry his hand free of Scott’s mouth but the skeleton growled and chewed harder for a moment until finally letting go. Steve staggered back clutching his now bloody hand. “What’s wrong Steve? Didn’t know I was a biter?!” Scott asked with a cackle. By now Fenrina had charged over, but to his surprise when she swung to smash Scott apart with her sword the skeleton parried the blow with his arm. Every blow she swun was parried by the one armed skeleton as she even tried to shield bash, and kick only to be countered at every turn. “Fools! I am a warrior king! I’m more than just magic! Even my bones have been enchanted! Nothing you wield can harm me!” Rolling past Fenrina Scott plucked his staff up from the ground and spun it around before smashing it into the werehusky, sending her flying in a burst of magic energy as shs slammed into the side of the SAFFECSPM with a howl. Steve looked around a moment in desperation and found Scott’s other arm that had been blown free by the fingerbanging earlier. Picking it up he wielded it like a flail and charged at the skeleton who was leveling his staff at Fenrina. Steve lashed out with the arm to slap Scott with it, knocking the skeleton aside and causing his magical bolts to fly wildly into the air. “Quit hitting yourself! Quit hitting yourself!” Steve began to chant then as he slapped Scott with his own arm, knocking the villain back step by step, getting him closer to the front of the engine. “Motherless-” Scott began to hiss even as Steve slapped him across the face once more. But the king had enough as he slammed his staff into the ground and Steve was sent flying back with an energy pulse. “Enough!” Scott bellowed. “That’s what you think!” Sherry called out as a fire spear shot through Scott’s ribs. But the skeleton just stood there entirely unimpressed. “Oh no. Fire. What is it going to do? Burn me to the bone?” He asked and snapped the spear apart to toss it aside. “Larry! We need divine magic here!” Sherry called out but the air around them flickered and grew… not exactly dark… but not exactly light. It was… moody. Nicely so. Steve slowly picked himself up and looked over as he and Sherry both saw the dwarf sitting on a rock a little ways away with some candles out, drinking from his waterskin. “What… Is he?” Sherry started. “Larry! Did you just use the last of your magic to have a fucking wine break?!” Steve shouted at the dwarf who just held up a finger and kept upending his entire waterskin having turned it into wine. “Fucking healer’s union and their mandatory breaks!” Steve hissed. “It doesn’t matter.” Sherry called out and pointed behind Scott as the army of barbarian werehuskies got closer, tearing apart the skeletons with ease. “You’re done Scott.” “A dick isn’t done until there’s nothing left!” Scott screamed back and drove his staff into the ground. “It might take me a thousand years but I can dig myself out eventually! Can you?!” He asked as the cliffs all around them began to shake and rumble. The shadowlighting from the dark sky coursing out and striking at the rocks as it became clear he planned to bury everyone here with him. Fenrina slowly pulled herself up besides the machine then and raised a hand. “Steve! Bone me!” “Ugghh…” Steve groaned. “Uuuugghhh…” Sherry shuddered. Larry just kept drinking wine. “Okay… even I think that was especially crass.” Scott sighed. “What? Why are you all…” Fenrina looked confused and waved her hand. “Steve! The bone! In your hand! Throw it to me! BONE ME!” “Oh. OH!” Steve hastily reached back and hurled the arm towards her. Scott tried to reach up and grab it but it just cleared his fingers allowing Fenrina to snatch it out of the sky and shove it into the grinder at the front of the engine. The whole thing crackled as Scott’s extremely potent fossilized remains sent a surge of energy through it and the wreckage of Steve’s machine drove forward. “Noooo!” Scott screamed out just before the grinder slammed into him, but the wreck was halted against the staff stuck into the ground. The engine shuddered and sparks rose up around it as it was filled with energy. [Continued in Comments]
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